My Weary Soul

"I normally do not go to temple or do not ask God for anything but I will go to church and temple to pray that you will become happy again and be happy forever".

These are the touching words from a friend across the mile.
A friend who doesn't even know me at all, but offers his prayer.
I was sitting right here, watching the rain outside, thinking about my journey in love, in confusion.
Yes, I was sitting here wondering... until these words (above) has struck me.

I did not speak much about me to anyone. Not even to my close family.
I 'd rather keep everything inside me, deep within my soul instead of sharing it out to others. What for?
I am certain that everyone has their own sentiments and difficult moments too.
So instead of sharing it, I chose to be alone.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Lonesome and hopeless moment..
The weather is cloudy.
My mind is foggy..
My heart is gloomy!
Many times I heard my friends saying: "Enjoy life as if it is your last day."
Many times too I told myself yes I must.
But in reality, when pain engulf me, I can't help but cry...seeking for release!

Yes, I must be happy. Thanks for the pure wish of happiness, my friend...
But please help me..
Please ask God to give me strength..
for my  soul is too weary.


I hope someday, I can give back the favor to you..
Praying for your  happiness too.

Painful Truth

Painful Moment!!..   do I have to savor this moment?

It was dark. It was raining. It was so cold. It was last night! I see no colors. It was purely black! I see nothing but darkness. I feel nothing but pain.

Pain is in love with me. You know why? because no matter how I try to ignore it ..  it doesn't leave me. Love has left me, but pain is always there, haunting me, paralyzing me.

I can't move,   I can't breath... my  life has stopped. My journey has ended. The world is unfair.. Last night,  he let the moon hides. The world doesn't want  me to see his moon.. yes, the moon.

The moon is  hiding, and forever  be hiding. I could no longer see his magnificence. He has left me. He left without even letting me see his true nature, his true identity. He has promised me to see him, but it was all a lie. He forgot his promise. He  hides himself behind the clouds, the clouds of sorrows.

How can I fly? the beauty of the cloud has gone. It's all foggy  now, protecting the moon behind it. It's all darkness!  no ray of moonlight, even just a pale moonlight.  :(

How can I walk in the darkness?
I am paralyzed,  I don't feel anything except the tears flowing out from my eyes..
tears that travel towards my sorrowful soul.
tears that makes my vision blurred...
How can I see the light? the world has taken it away from me.
Painful moment, painful truth.. the moon is only attracted to me.
He knows from the very beginning that he can't have  me but still he pursued to own me.
Was he selfish from the very beginning? He has taken everything from me.. my happiness, my heart.
Now, he has left me with a reason, LIFE HAS CHANGED.
This is the most painful phrase I heard from  him . From this phrase, from these words, everything  has turned into nothing. It means then that because of change,  all his promises, all  his feelings towards me, all the good memories,  all the happiness we shared,  has changed.
He is so smart.. yeah he is, because he has driven my life smoothly, then when the road is too slippery and  too many humps, he left me to save himself.. saying, time changes!  Time has change and along with it is his change of feeling  towards me.
Time has changed, that's why there's excuse in everything.
I am a hindrance of his future... but still I pray for him to succeed.
I will bear to bear the unbearable pain... just for him to succeed.!

I will sit here,  watching the sky, hoping the sun would come up and show to me his smile.. even just a fake smile!.  

How painful is the pain?

“You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.”

How painful is the pain? well for me, pain is too much when your whole being is too numb and you could no longer feel the hurt, you could no longer think and your entire being is so empty. Pain is too much when you want to cry but nothing will come out from your eyes...
Much painful when you want to shout to release that heavy feeling, but you cannot even shout.  Pain is too painful when you die yet you still live.


People say:

Love is like a bond. It makes you feel great when you have it... 

Love help you up when you are down... 

Just to push you back down again!

Others say love is a feeling two people share,
Some say love is a game..., 

But I say:
Love is pain that we have to embrace. There goes the saying "No pain, no gain" so without embracing it, we can't go on living, after all, we are born to love and to be loved. No matter how painful the pain is, we have to go on loving. Yeah, love teaches us pain, and once the feeling of love goes, we all try so hard to feel it again.. life is so ironic. (sighs)    


Everyday, along my journey, I am always yearning for that real love. I am too focused of my feelings without considering the feelings of that someone whom I claimed I have loved, to the extent that he might got  suffocate of my behavior. I am too centered on my beliefs and conclusions, all because of jealousy.

I asked myself several times of why I always get jealous. Maybe I have grounds or bases of that jealousy, but, it will not justify to tolerate myself from messing up.  Still the fact remains that too much of it will suffocate a person. Too much of it will draw a person away from you. I just discovered it today, and it isn't too late :) 

I am used to pain. I just wish that someday, along the way, I feel no pain.

JOURNEYING WITH PAIN

 I'm all Covered with Scars
(Special Thanks to Youth Encounter)

   I have trusted again and been  betrayed at times.

Why It Hurts to Care?

I have loved and ended up alone and in tears.

I have tried hard to care and failed often.

I have been warm and received a cold shoulder.

I have been through it, Lord.

I’ve fallen on my face.

I’ve been bruised.

Look, Lord, I’m all covered with scars!

I have done my best..
But my best was not enough



Is this my Fate?

Don't I deserve happiness?
 Am I destined for sorrow?

Wounded Heart

My Heart

My very precious heart is gorgeous, full of beauty. 
But when pain comes, my heart withers, its beauty disappears. 

Many times my heart has been like a rose flower- beautiful, full of joy and peace, ready to bring joy to others and to love others unselfishly. 

But now, my heart is closed, wounded, without joy and hope, without Peace & Love.

This is my hardest and painful moment. I feel that heinous knife stabbed at my precious heart, the heart that I can only be proud of.. is bleeding! 

No. This is no longer my heart.. because my one and only heart has been stolen by a man. How lucky that man is.. he could go somewhere else with my heart in his hand.. the only treasure I have is gone! 

 
Without a heart...
How can I live my life today? 
How can I move on?
Kindly hand it back to me, 
for without a heart, I couldn't imagine a day!