Friday, March 4, 2011


  “I gave my all, my trust, my love and my heart.. but it wasn’t enough"

       When we are on a rocky situation, we often asked "why does Life so cruel? Is it really how life is? Why does happiness will only visit to us once and when it leaves, all the pains and hurts poured out upon us? Is journeying in love has to be like this?" 
Once In A Blue Moon
     I am not a dramatist nor an essayist but being in love's journey with all the happiness and pains,  I was taught to be one. Well, not as good as what you think,  and not as everyone does but I can be in my little own ways, in such a way  that I know purely, hoping that my pain would ease.  I only write my feelings once in a blue moon,  and today is one of the moment, the sad moment of my days. My heart is too heavy . I am hoping that through this piece, this pain in me will disappear like a wind blows at once, and this heart of mine will find real peace and love.  I'm sorry if I put mostly of  my sentiments here, but what can I do? this is my sanctuary, and this is how I feel now. I want to take a rest from this journey, but I don’t know how.. I want to cry out loud, scream as loud as  possible… and I want all the tears to come out, empty my eyes from every drop that tortures my agonizing heart. Hoping that after this, this pain would leave me and I can have peace. If I could beg this pain to go away, then I will beg for it to go.. just wish I would know how?

     I asked myself of what is wrong with me.  Why do I need to suffer? I can't blame no one for this pain.  Maybe the wrong is..I don't know how to love..  what a shame on me, I’ve been teaching what love is, I’ve been promoting love and peace, but deep within me, I feel empty. I am but a hollow being at this very moment. I am only good at showing my face to others, I am good in wearing a mask, a mask that I am okay, a mask portraying that everything is alright, a mask showing everyone that I am strong.. but deep within  me, is a battered soul.

     I can show the world my sweet smile, yeah.. and they said my smile brings wonder.. but where is that wonder? I may be smiling, but my heart is crying, If you see me smile often, that’s how often I have cried. 

     Perhaps, I don’t know how to love, and this is the reason why I am too demanding and jealous.  This isn't love, right? coz a love is not suppose to be jealous? but why am I feeling this way? Well, maybe I want the person whom I love to care for me the same way as I cared for him. Maybe it was wrong that I always waited for him to  tell me that he thinks  of me everyday, or maybe I always hungered of his sweet words, specially the magic word that makes up my day. I want him to show his feeling towards me everyday for security. I always ask and demand trust. 

I'm sorry for Loving You the way I know
     Do I sound insecure now? I hope not! (sighs). I only wanted that his attention is only for me which is all wrong because he has also his own life to live and own friends to be with. Then what would I want? Am I sick ? well, maybe yeah  I am sick.    I am so mad in this feeling called love. I am nothing  and no one but  a SELFISH. person. I don’t deserve this thing you call LOVE. I don't deserve to be loved coz everyone I loved  was hurt because of my  own way of loving.  My way of love hurts you and with this, my apology. Forgive me for loving you the way I know!

     I might be a sick individual, seeking for love and attention and when I have it,  I don't know how to get hold of it.  Please get away from me, don't ever come near me.  Don't be fooled by  my smile.  This smile could hurt you, the same as it hurt me. I am sick and I don’t know the cure. I am sick of this love and I am almost dying for this, incurable depression like a virus and I don’t want  you to get infected by me. I don't want you to die with me. I would rather die alone than to see you hurting, I don’t know if this is love, but this is how I am feeling. Before I depart from you, let me say, I AM SORRY for loving you this way :( 

The above post "How is it to love" describes  the hard days I had as  I went along my journey in love. It shows how love can affect the emotion and the reasoning of the one suffering from it. It somehow reminds us that love's journey is rocky at times and what we need is to stay firm amidst all the storms we meet along the way!<3 

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