My Weary Soul

"I normally do not go to temple or do not ask God for anything but I will go to church and temple to pray that you will become happy again and be happy forever".

These are the touching words from a friend across the mile.
A friend who doesn't even know me at all, but offers his prayer.
I was sitting right here, watching the rain outside, thinking about my journey in love, in confusion.
Yes, I was sitting here wondering... until these words (above) has struck me.

I did not speak much about me to anyone. Not even to my close family.
I 'd rather keep everything inside me, deep within my soul instead of sharing it out to others. What for?
I am certain that everyone has their own sentiments and difficult moments too.
So instead of sharing it, I chose to be alone.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Lonesome and hopeless moment..
The weather is cloudy.
My mind is foggy..
My heart is gloomy!
Many times I heard my friends saying: "Enjoy life as if it is your last day."
Many times too I told myself yes I must.
But in reality, when pain engulf me, I can't help but cry...seeking for release!

Yes, I must be happy. Thanks for the pure wish of happiness, my friend...
But please help me..
Please ask God to give me strength..
for my  soul is too weary.


I hope someday, I can give back the favor to you..
Praying for your  happiness too.

Painful Truth

Painful Moment!!..   do I have to savor this moment?

It was dark. It was raining. It was so cold. It was last night! I see no colors. It was purely black! I see nothing but darkness. I feel nothing but pain.

Pain is in love with me. You know why? because no matter how I try to ignore it ..  it doesn't leave me. Love has left me, but pain is always there, haunting me, paralyzing me.

I can't move,   I can't breath... my  life has stopped. My journey has ended. The world is unfair.. Last night,  he let the moon hides. The world doesn't want  me to see his moon.. yes, the moon.

The moon is  hiding, and forever  be hiding. I could no longer see his magnificence. He has left me. He left without even letting me see his true nature, his true identity. He has promised me to see him, but it was all a lie. He forgot his promise. He  hides himself behind the clouds, the clouds of sorrows.

How can I fly? the beauty of the cloud has gone. It's all foggy  now, protecting the moon behind it. It's all darkness!  no ray of moonlight, even just a pale moonlight.  :(

How can I walk in the darkness?
I am paralyzed,  I don't feel anything except the tears flowing out from my eyes..
tears that travel towards my sorrowful soul.
tears that makes my vision blurred...
How can I see the light? the world has taken it away from me.
Painful moment, painful truth.. the moon is only attracted to me.
He knows from the very beginning that he can't have  me but still he pursued to own me.
Was he selfish from the very beginning? He has taken everything from me.. my happiness, my heart.
Now, he has left me with a reason, LIFE HAS CHANGED.
This is the most painful phrase I heard from  him . From this phrase, from these words, everything  has turned into nothing. It means then that because of change,  all his promises, all  his feelings towards me, all the good memories,  all the happiness we shared,  has changed.
He is so smart.. yeah he is, because he has driven my life smoothly, then when the road is too slippery and  too many humps, he left me to save himself.. saying, time changes!  Time has change and along with it is his change of feeling  towards me.
Time has changed, that's why there's excuse in everything.
I am a hindrance of his future... but still I pray for him to succeed.
I will bear to bear the unbearable pain... just for him to succeed.!

I will sit here,  watching the sky, hoping the sun would come up and show to me his smile.. even just a fake smile!.  

THE HARD DAYS

      "Restore within me the integrity of heart that will not be shaken by any storms.., that no matter how hard my days are, still I will stand firm."

     It was a hot weather on that particular day, November 30, 2011, yet I didn't mind the heat. In fact, I was feeling cold inside. I was feeling blue and my entire being was like a robot after I left my computer with a  heavy heart. I decided to visit my friend after a stroll at my favorite mountain peak.  This is what I usually do every time I got a heavy feeling. To spend sometime to unwind.

     Little did I know, that day would give my life an abrupt twist. As I maneuvered my motorbike, I noticed him: "A big man with a mustache. He's approaching towards my direction and before I knew it, He was blocking my way.

     "Give me the key!" he demanded.

I screamed. I didn't move, holding on to my keys tightly. Desperate, he straightened up and pulled something out of his pocket, omg  a knife!!

     "I will kill you!, he  hissed pointing the knife at me.

     I couldn't cry, I closed my eyes and prayed aloud, speaking words only God could understand. And soon, at one point during the most terrifying moment, somehow, I was certain I would not die. I didn't know what happened, maybe confused by the sound I made, the man began cursing and then in a second he dashed to the street and jumped into a passing vehicle. He was gone. omg how did it happen? I was shivering when I left that place heading towards my friend's house.

     She wasn't there when I arrived at our rendevouz (our hiding place when we need to unwind). I went straight to her study room. Still full of energy, I grabbed her guitar and played a praise song. While I was plucking and humming the song, the hurtful realization of a relationship, the heavy feeling of the emotional distress I had for the day and that horrible incident flashed back my mind. It was towards the middle of the song that I broke into tears. I tried as much as I can to stand strong, to maintain a happy aura, but right that very moment, I gave in to tears!. Very much thankful that along my journey, He is always there, protecting me. Praise Him.

HOW DO I LOVE A PERSON

      This is the kind of question I often ask from myself. A question that always gives me a flashback of how life has treated me, of how I journey my life in the course of love... yesterday and today!

My love is a gift to myself and to you

With much love in the heart, I sometimes feel the need to escape the harsh realities of the world. I want only happiness, even magical happiness.  I often go to the mountain peak to complete my fantasy trip. I call it my magical love fantasy. It makes me more joyful than anything else. To savor the word love.

When it comes to love, I'm maybe blind! lol..coz I just love to be in love and am willing to sacrifice everything for it. I am extremely devoted and even find myself ignoring my partner shortcomings. Being in love is one way for me to go beyond reality and escape the ordinary everyday world. It makes me feel alive yeah.. especially when I heard that my loved one is present with me. It allows my spirit to soar. Some people say I'm an incurable romantic, capable of being swept off to fantasy land. Well, they maybe right, however, I'm deeply spiritual and don't take relationships or sex lightly. 

I am highly affectionate and easy to please, and appreciate the efforts of others especially the effort of the person I love. I want to know that I am loved and so I prefer someone who is loving, sensitive and demonstrative to be at my side. I give unselfishly of myself to others, but sometimes run the risk of losing my own identity in the process. I am quite aware of it though.. but I tolerate it sometimes, coz what I really looking for is a special connection with someone I feel will accept and understand me. Life feels shallow and dry to me when romance is missing  awww lol.. – so I'm eager to take the plunge. Always take the risk.. but I must be careful though… sometimes I'm so keen to be romantically connected that I dive in too quickly and find myself connected to someone unsuitable.Why unsuitable? because the someone cannot meet my expectation. I must be on guard of my feelings too, I hope. This is how I am journeying in love <3

My love is a gift simply wrapped for my loved one to easily open up.  Haayyy buhayy, parang life :)

YOU ARE WHAT YOU NEED TO BE

"As each moment make known to me, I will discover new things..."

Each moment make known is a self discovery towards new and challenging things. 

These past days, dealing with the bad breaks of life and love has turned my world upside down. I thought I've gone crazy, with so much tension in me. I couldn't think, couldn't even work. Everything was so messed up! ohh what a life! I need to do certain things but my willingness hinders me.  I need to think rightly but I was too weak to even think. I felt all alone. I didn't know where to find anyone in the trenches like me, who were a little bit further along in their journey in this life and were willing to help me and teach me or advice me the right steps to take  to make sure I stayed on the right track. I felt like an outcast that no one was with me. Totally alone! Lost is the word to describe that phase of my life.

Tears has accompanied me throughout this journey of being alone. I lost my trust to anyone. I felt like I was taken for granted. Negative feelings engulfed my sorrowful heart and weary mind.  I know it wasn't right, but I let myself, at least for a moment, to have something to pin down. I cried hard and gathered all the pains inside me, and shout it out the best I can. Yeah, crying out is my way of consoling myself. This is how I dealt with pain.. tears is my console, my bestfriend. It was the first one to rescue me. Tears never fail to accompany me during my  hard days .. tears was all I got and it was the same tears that taught me about how it is to live.

Live with love and Survive

"I am used to pain" has already become my mantra. uhh? what is in the pain that I pampered much? Realization struck me, but instead of hurting, it has invigorated my entire being.  It took me sometime to realize that all  was caused of self pity. Pampering pain and self  pity will do no good, it's just a waste of time. So what!!  if things didn't turned out right as expected? 

Being away for quite sometime has helped a lot in curing my wounded heart.  That experience made me realize that even though I had been battered with pain, life had to be more about meaning, that life is full of beauty. Come to think of the less fortunate individual who are searching food for survival.. They survived!  so why can't I? 

I am a survivor... A survivor from physical anger of nature and from the hurtful playing emotion caused by people. With that tears, I am much stronger than I realize. I am stronger and more capable than I know. In fact now, I can proudly say, after all the pain I've been trough..I can handle everything that comes my way with strength to spare. Tears has become my strength.

Right  now, I need to change my view of myself to be as strong as I need to be. I am the master of my own self. I must treat it right. I must direct myself to be what I need to be. Right at this moment, I am what I need to be. In the next moment, according to an author, I will be able to respond to that moment with ease and grace. And so in the next moment as well. I musn't get distracted with this pain the world has given me. I must walk ahead, hold my head up high, and face the world wearing a confident smile. I am what I am and what I need to be. Life only seems irresistible  when I allow the future to roll out before me, outlined with fear and doubt. I will not live it as I fear. I will not live it as I imagine. I will experience it as it comes, each moment. This is my life in love's moment.. and this is how I must live my life.  I do believe now that each moment make known is a discovery of  new things in love and life. Out of this moment, I can be a different person than I am right now.

Allow this discovery of newness

I must allow this discovery of newness and strength to grow. I must set fear and doubt aside and fill myself with faith and action fed with courage, as I go along my journey in this newness, and with Love and Peace in the heart. Oftenly, before I was too weak.. but now, giving up is not my choice of word. I am strong and capable. I can rise up, fly high above the blue sky of hope, to the challenges of my life with much courage and love<3.  I can reach and touch the moon with my bear hands and shine out with my pure wish of all goodness.. goodness to myself and to the people who hurt me. I wish them all goodness, wellness and love as I step out into the world to embrace each new day with power infused with love and peace.<3 Nothing is impossible. :)

When our eyes met, there was magic

When was the first time we fall in love? How was the feeling?

      Going back when we first fall in love, on that very unforgettable date, the whole world seems to fade into the background.

      My lover is my no.1, the "center stage" as we call it.  I am yearning of his presence. I just love him so much that I dare not see anyone else. I always look forward of his message. A single "hi" is enough to keep me going the whole day. It made me complete. It made me wear a genuine smile to everyone I met. I didn't mind others opinion about  him. I didn't mind the world. I didn't mind if I was dreaming. All I mind was the sweet feeling of giving love and being loved.

      For sure you guys knew too about this feeling! You knew well how colorful the world of a person in love is. Our  heart can do wonders. We can make songs out from that feeling.  We can even make poems that help us convey the message from our heart. Being in love allows us to see the beauty of life. The beauty inside and out. All the things we see in this world, is full of beauty.. but nothing is more beautiful than the eyes of our beloved <3.

There's magic when your eyes rest mine

When our eyes met, there was magic!

pure, undiluted and electrifying... It coursed through my veins and lit my heart with 220 volts of emotions..

When our eyes met, a dreamy smile lit your face,

and my eyes glazed over.

Since then, everytime our eyes met, 

there is just plain magic! 

"It Rains When You Cry"

"I love to have tears, coz it somehow brings healing to my soul"

Tonight is a different night of all the nights..

The moon is so distant..
I feel him near, beside me, but seemed too far.

Sad tears clouded my eyes as I looked up and asked the moon why?

Something is wrong, everything seemed too lonely...

then by and by, his moonlight was out of sight..

tears were pouring  from that lonely sky!

and bathed my soul with  forlorn cries... 
it's raining now...

It's raining hard tonight! and you know what, these rains are my best friends. I used to go motorbiking with them..they know how I feel.

Tonight these rains are looking so sad and making me sad too. I'm asking why they're sad...
then, they are pouring their drops over me saying it's me, who's making them sad.. 

 "It rains when you cry".

I asked, "why it pours so hard"? the voice replied, the moon has spilled it out, for he has too much... he wants you to smile with the rain and stop crying because there's no one to wipe your tears away". 

I looked up the moon behind the clouds, with close smiling eyes, I let the rain wash away my tears!! 

"God.. he cares!".

"Anyone can make you smile or cry, but it takes someone special to put a smile on your face when you already have tears in your eyes".


~Anonymous.~