Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Which Wolf will win?

When I am into emotional state..

"I" and "myself" always have a debate.
When "I" realizes that something is shaky and should do something before its late, "myself" tries to contradict.

"I" said, "stop hindering myself. I know what am doing and I always do stuff in practical way!"
But "myself" just said, "no, you're not! Your practical ways can be bad and hurting at times.You disregard real emotion which myself is expert in dealing with!"
"I replied, "are you sure that you couldn't make bad decision out of your crazy emotion?

Both have good reasons and none of them will give-way. They are like wolves, ready to attack when  one jeopardize the other. 
Its a battle between practicality over emotion or vice versa
Career over personal relationship (mind over heart)
Love over hurt
Good intention over bad ways..

Can't they just go together and agree at one point?

This "debate of self" reminds me of the story of the two wolves. An old Cherokee Indian story. 

One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego". 
He continued...
"The other one is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith". 
The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

Knowing which wolf to feed is the first step towards recognizing you have control over your own self.
Its easy to say this but if we are into real situation, we couldnt really decide which one to feed,

As we come to age, we gradually become aware of the many things in the external world which are largely beyond our ability to control. Especially now that we are expose in social media or online stuff. Our emotion is at stake and its kinda hard to acccept.. but a more shocking realization is that there are many things about ourselves that we seem powerless to control. 

Wait a minute...
Is it the reason why "I" and "Myself" cannot control themselves too? and no matter how they try to get along well, still they ended up in a debate?
Jeez.. sounds scary!

What about you, arent you get scared of the fact that the wolves inside us have a never-ending fight? 

How aware are you of the two different opposing "wolves" operating within your mind and heart?

Have you ever been disappointed  by the choice of behavior because you knew that there was a more positive option but you just didnt choose it?
I been into this many times
especially in dealing with heart matters. 
I tried to feed the good wolf, the unselfish and understanding one inside me even if I ended up hurt of my decision. 

Thats how it should be
Life is just like that.

Choose to be better

I heard somebody said
"Life is stupid"
(sometimes that somebody is me)

Why cant just we say "I am stupid, or I've been stupid in my choices"
Is it that hard to admit?

We have our own choices in this what they call "stupid life".

A choice to do or not to do,
to love or not to love,
to hate or not to hate,
to accept or to decline,
to say a yes or a no..

A choice to dislike, to pretend,to control, 
a choice to sacrifice for others,to compromise...
A choice to wear mask or not to wear mask..
Choice to understand or to act dumb..

We do have our choices,
and I prefer "to understand"
... understand that everyone is wearing mask based on their priority, on their set goals..
I choose to understand that everyone has its own limits in everything, that each one has its own life...craving for survival.

The only thing  I failed to understand is,
why do people crave to be on top of everything, of why one must prove that he or she is better than the other, that one should have a name for people to remember them..
and once they get it, people say they've succeded. Whooah!! They call it success!!.
and the worst thing is...  it doesnt end up there... they crave for more, a never ending more.. of success!
Success from what?
Success for getting something which others dont have?
Success bcoz they feel proud about it? What is that for? Getting self satisfaction?
Making others envy of them?

Thats what really makes the world crazy
and making life stupid.
We complicate things and often confuses ourselves from being better ahead of others than by becoming better to attract better.
We complicate things in our hands bcoz of our desire of greatness

We can eat 3 times a day,
We have roof over us, a place to sleep on if we need rest
We have family with us
We have good simple friends
We have a simple life to live

But why we crave for greatness that complicates all, making us forget who we are, diverting ourselves to be a slave of desire of being great than the other.
Making ourselve a "somebody" by wearing a superfacial outfit "the mask".

What if we fail ?
Fail ourselves or fail the expectation of others from us
Do we get upset or get mad on situations that put us into the state of failure?
Do we have to cry?
Ok cry! Go ahead!
Cry out those stupid tears!
Yes stupid! for they are tears from stupid choices we've made!

You know what,
Its not really life that is stupid..
but people.

Stupid people craving of stupid stuff for stupid desire, hiding stupid tears in their stupid mask... 
and they call it, life.

Oh! What a life!
Are you into it?
Oh well, life is just like that.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Stop being a Victim of Problems

What is happiness for you?
yes YOU. 
I'm asking you because  you are the master of your own thoughts
- thoughts that direct your life 
- thoughts that speaks the person inside you
- thoughts that can make or unmake you
and your idea of being happy reflects in what you do.

You are laughing with friends, sharing jokes and funny quotes with them, but when you are alone you feel empty.
You are doing community works wearing an outfit of smile to people you meet but deep within you're striving for something which you could hardly define...
is that happiness?

I have this friend who is surrounded by suitors
She is beautiful. She often smile. She's fond of sharing jokes with friends
People always say, she has everything and that she is very lucky
but for me I see a lonely lady, wearing a smile behind those sad foggy eyes
then I asked her "why....what makes you sad despite of everything you have?'
she replied, "I'm dying."

You may have flaws, worries and sometimes you're mad about life, people, events or situations, but never forget that your life is the greatest innovation.
you are YOU, and it is only you who can prevent your life from getting off the track
In tough times, don't be discouraged. 
In sickness, never lose hope
There are many that need you, admire you and love you
just allow them to love you and care for you

Being happy is not having a sky without storms, or roads without accidents, or work without fatigue, or relationships without disappointments.

Being happy is finding strength in forgiveness, hope in one's battles, security at the stage of fear, love in disagreements.

Being happy is not only to treasure the smile 
but that you also reflect on the sadness.
It is not just remembering the great moment 
but also learning lessons in failures. 
It is not just having joy with applause, but also having joy in being alone, celebrating secretly the occasions that are meant to be treasured.

Being happy is to recognize that it is a worthwhile to live, despite all the challenges, misunderstandings and times of crises.

Being happy is not inevitable fate, but a victory for those who can travel towards it with your own being.

Being happy is to stop being a victim of problems but become an actor in history itself. It is not only to cross the deserts outside of ourselves, but still more, to be able to find an oasis in the recesses of our soul. It is to thank God every morning for the miracle of life, and in the evening for the blessings of the entire day.

Being happy is not afraid of one's feelings. It is to know how to talk about ourselves. It is to bear with courage when hearing a "no". It is to have the security to receive criticism, even if its unfair. It is to kiss the children, pamper the parents, have poetic moments with friends, even if they have hurt us.

Being happy means allowing the free, happy and simple child inside each of us to live; having the maturity to say, "I was wrong", having the audacity to say, "forgive me". It is to have sensitivity in expressing, " I need you"; to have the ability of saying, "I love you". So that your life becomes a garden full of opportunities for being happy.

May you become a Lover of Joy

"In your spring-time, may you become a lover of joy. 

In your winter, may you become a friend of wisdom. 
And when you go wrong along the way, you start all over again. 
Thus you will be more passionate about life. And you will find that happiness is not about having a perfect life but about using tears to water tolerance, losses to refine patience, failures to carve serenity, pain to lapidate pleasure, obstacles to open the windows of intelligence". 
-Pope Francis

What is happiness for me? 
It is about being a comfort to my dying friend, being her strength, her hope and her inspiration to live a happy life despite everything. 
It is about being positive, not allowing problems or worries to sit in.

Never give up
Never give up on the people you love
Never give up from being happy because life is an incredible show
and you are a special human being! 

 photo credit from google

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Life is Not Always What We Think It Is

Courtesy: Lavi Singh

What are you afraid of?
Alone in the dark?
Getting poor?

Do you spend a good deal of time worrying about your status in life, wishing you could swap places with those rich and famous, who you think are living a happy and easy life? Does the phrase “I wish I were that person” has ever cross to your mind?

There are millions of people in this world.
This million people have billion dreams and wishes.
Dreams of having a good life with endless happiness.
A kind of happiness everyone wishes to have yet scared to take hard test because what they want is easy drive in the highways.

The moment you open your eyes and see the sunrise, it is the beginning moment of your journey for the day. You've seen hope, all you gonna do is move, otherwise the rising sun is gonna kick your butt. You have to get up -for the heck of just being alive and being tied up into complicated stuff- you still have to get up and it is a must.

That's how it is, we can't complain life.

Since we cannot complain life, we set our own rules or we try to compromise. Others just accept what it is, while the rest have tried their way to work things out hoping that life would be in their favor someday. The tendency is we keep ourselves busy. We kill ourselves by working hard to the extent of spending less quality time with our very own self and family.

We will just say, "that's what life is, we can't complain, it's like we get a one way ticket and we don't know about our destiny for this long journey". 

Then after saying this, we move our feet, (doesn't matter if we want or we have to), with common chant "Busy here, busy there and everywhere".

The next day, there you go again, saying, "this is how my life is. I ccan't complain", then again you keep your life busy, handle all things in your way, making details here and there, absorbing all the headaches until things get complicated.

Life isn't easy and kind of a crazy journey.

Are you not tired of all that? Why are you carrying all those burdens by yourself? can't you delegate it to others so they would do their share?
Loosen up a bit and free yourself from that crazy chain, or crazy game (I must say). 
A kind of game where people are wearing their respective mask and play the game of pretending...
- pretending that its a sunny day yet deep inside its clouded by worries
- pretending that everything is okay and manageable in order to create a strong personality in the eyes of others
- pretending to be cool to portray a good image even if others behavior is intolerable

Weather we like it or not, people’s behavior towards us, or our behavior towards them greatly affect our relationship with each other, our life in general, once we tolerate the game of pretending. 
We do not know who is with us or against us which make our life out of balance....

I want a big scale…
which can measure people’s heart and their purity. I just lost in that game where friends or even relatives coming to me from front or back wearing masks, displaying fake feelings, emotions, worries or care just to win the game, that no matter how low we need to go we will for the sake of winning.

I lost in the game of pretending where friends acting like they can when in fact they cannot, professing their support but the truth is when things get rough or worse, they’re the first one to turn their back on us.  Yes, I lost in that game while I was in the process of winning.

I need scale… to measure people’s true intentions when they stand for something.
One person explained his own self saying he became bad in exchange of his family’s good life, while the other claimed he is too good that’s why other people have turned bad. This situation may seem not right, but who has the right to measure anyone’s life anyway? No one ever judge our actions of the past, not even yourself. Whatever happened in the past were bound to happen.  It was the age of wisdom, or the age of foolishness, it was the season of light or of darkness, it was the spring of hope or the winter of despair, we had everything before us or we had nothing before us, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of the noisiest authorities insisted upon being received, for good or evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

This is life. Whatever situations you are in or you had in the past, either good or bad, you have to live it. Everyone needs to learn how to survive. We can’t keep chicken inside an egg. Someday an egg will break and chick would come out, face the world by his own. No one could teach him how to survive except his own self as he lives in time, it is the best of times or the worst of times that could make him nice or brave.

People always ask “Are you happy?”
Then I answer “what do you think?” “Do I deserve to be happy or not?”
Oftentimes we are being put into situation where people ask us of the things which should not be asked at all, instead of just leaving us to choose of what we like to have. Though unintentional, some of the questions would bring back bad memories. It must be tough and terrible, but sometimes those are also quite handy especially in situations when our feet almost ready to stop on wrong destination.

Many of us are like sheep, moving behind someone or following other’s footsteps without trying to find out if there are other existing roads aside from the one we’d been following. We dare not see other possibilities. We convinced ourselves we are contented but in our deepest being we are like an empty shell. Again we say “This is life”, no complain once we fail, and if we succeed our luck is on our sleeves.

Heck, why should we be like a sheep when we can rule like a lion?
Why do we have to give space for others and disregard our own?

Try to live life for your happiness. Learn to become selfish at times for you to be able to taste the sweetness of being free. It is your life and you ought to live with it to the fullest. When are you gonna give yourself a break to enjoy the colors of the universe? When everything turns gray and you lose all your teeth? Making other people happy is good but if you do like selling your own happiness for others’ sake I must say you are just killing yourself and making other life miserable as well. Do business, you are good at that, right? then do so, but never ever close a deal by selling your own happiness. Once you do, you’re dead. You may have life but good as dead. You are not responsible of others happiness, the same like other’s aren’t responsible of your own.

The moment you deprive yourself from being happy just to give way for someone, then you are making another “you “ in others. When you become sad and make others happy, you are showing them an example that would create a chain or like a domino effect. Your action will born another “you” and that new “you” in another persona will try to make you happy, choose you over himself or herself, willing to say goodbye to his or her own happiness just to see you happy.

There is nothing wrong in making others happy as long as you are making yourself happy as well. Happiness is a gift to yourself. Savor it.

It is like…
We walk on grass everyday, we feel nothing is special.
Walk early in the morning, while grass still fresh in its dew, you can see the difference.
The effect is some kind of happiness which is hard to explain beyond words.
You feel it because you love nature. Once you do the things you love, it makes you happy.
Once you stop doing the things you like, then you are welcoming to live a life which you don’t like.
There is hidden miracle in being happy. Unwrap it. Reveal it. For you to see the life the way it should be liked.

We heard about people who spend time in mother nature while there are others spending their time on the internet. Those who like mother nature and manage to spend their time in nature are simply living the life the way they like, and those whose time spent on digital world to work in increasing their bank balance is no different from a nature lover because they too live a life they choose to have. Either of the two, they both manage to live a life they preferred and take note, they excelled in it.

Life is special. It’s like a piece of clear white paper wherein we have to write the song about us without any mix of hypocrisy of fake show off comparing to others. It’s not easy, in fact it is hard to acquire the things we need to have because sometimes life will not work in our favor but with strong determination, special things we wished for will come though in the hard way, but definitely it will come in its own sweet time. Just steadily work on it. Like for instance, before, you ask your parents of what’s gonna be the special things coming into your life, and your parents point their fingers at you, saying “you are the special one and you’re the one making your own self special no matter how imperfect you are (from your mistakes). Mistakes are to teach you though. Start loving your imperfection and embrace life  the way you want it to be, not on the other way around. By this, you are doing something for your happiness and for others as well. Love yourself, Love your life.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016


What is happening in some of our mainstream media nowadays? Instead of giving credible news, they’re giving misleading or even fake information that could corrupt the minds of innocent people. It is so sad to know that instead of working hand in hand, some of them are working only for themselves and are after of getting high engagement rating to become famous. Others are get paid by politicians or oligarchs, for personal interest. 

The Philippines cries for change. 
Ninety percent (90%) of Filipino people are thirsty for real "change".
Change in government policies and its implementations for the betterment of the people. 
Change is possible, it is attainable especially now that the president commits himself to make a change in this country... 
but why it is so hard for others to accept? 
Why they keep on bashing in social media and gave negative or misleading reports against the president?

I watched the news about the fishermen condition in West Philippine Sea particularly in Scarborough Shoal. After four (4) long years of being deprived from coming to that place, Filipino fishermen are now able to go fishing without being driven away by Chinese coast guards. 

This is good news, but I was surprised the way those media people presented their report and made the whole thing come out negative. I already knew the whole story so I wonder why it came out a little bit different on tv news. It was like they just cut a portion of the entire information, then they made a twist by inserting some clips or statistics which are actually not credible. The thing is, the positive news becomes negative because of that insertion and twist. The innocent people who do not know the entire story would surely believe the mainstream media. That instant I was like, oh God, what is going on with these people whom we trust to bring out true information.

There are too many smart people nowadays and sad to say they use that smartness to fool people around. 
Instead of uniting the people, they used their power to manipulate and cause division.
Today, though people are actively participating discussion in social media, there are still many who get fooled due to wrong information. This happened because of troublemakers or trolls roaming around social media sites. 

I can't help myself asking this question: "Who are these trolls? Are they not puppet of politicians who hinders change in the government? who among us would prefer becoming a troll for nothing?".  If you are one of those people craving for change in the government, would you make troubles to hinder it? I guess not!, unless you are against it.

Just recently I read  at Manila Times that two senators declare war on trolls. You may check this link:

I can't help but shake my head. smh.
There is nothing wrong in stopping trolls, but the question is are these "trolls" really trolls? or the so-called "paid trolls" created by them to create chaos and divert issues.
As we all know, Sen. De Lima's credibility is in question because of her involvement into drug syndicate. Now she has the guts to author this "war on trolls"? wow!

If this is it, then I must say the purpose of this war on trolls is to twist issues to gain sympathy from social media. She is good at that though, she'd done it to some mainstream media. She was the one tagging the media about the so-called Extra Judicial Killings (EJK) in the Philippines and accused the president(without any evidence) as a mass murderer after she was personally attacked by the latter as immoral woman who is engaged in drug syndicate. 
Whats your analysis about it?

Isn't it another trick so the issue could be twisted?
Isn't she trying to zip the mouth of real journalists or social media personalities whose dignity cannot be bribed? Isn't she trying to create a scenario to mislead the innocent Filipinos so she could gain sympathy? 
These are few questions bugging in the mind of Filipino people.
Now she authored this "call on war against troll" 
It's a big crap! 

There are more important things to be prioritized, too many problems that need solutions rather than minding those trolls. They are just trolls anyway, so why give a fuss on them? They are abound everywhere, well unless there is no behind stories or hidden agenda of their existence. Why not try to investigate those media men who spread negative or misleading news instead of minding those trolls? Leave them, after all they are just trolls paid by some politicians. 

This country has long been suffered from endemic corruption which pull us into darkness.
I am hopeful that one day this country will experience light. May the president's advocate for change will win over antagonists.

Monday, October 31, 2016


By: Lavi Singh

“I want to spread my wings but I just can’t fly,
…my precious wings are broken tired…”

I believe I can fly to touch my best friend, the blue sky.
I believe I can soar high from the daylight ‘till the moonlight,
I believe I really can….
    But how? when my wings are broken, how could I survive?

Is there a way to heal what is broken without hurting others feeling?
Is there a way to stop the pain without having tears?
Where should I be?
I seek for a place not to give up nor hide…
but to fight with life in order to make things right.

I often forget that I am just human who can't always be right. I might be tough and strong as you see me, but it’s all a disguise, because in reality, no matter how tough or strong a person is, if he is captive by such a strong emotions of life’s madness and carries the burden on the expectations of others, he will touch the ground and give up, not because he is a coward, but because he is brave enough to accept what is bound to happen even if it means a sacrifice.

Today, I see my own self too closely. All alone and weary, I feel the heavy burdens upon my shoulder.
I can do nothing but close my eyes, because I would never say I’m that person who likes to give up and hide.
What do they expect from me? Wouldn’t I get hurt each time life attacks me?
If I call this life a war, then we know that war never brings peace, since in war, someone wins and others may loose, but one common thing, both pay with blood that thirst.
What good there is to give?
Nothing but a weary soul.

I am worn out.
Why am I in this kind of war?
I wanna take rest but I couldn’t
I wanna do things in my own ways and at my own risk
Yet I was hindered by outside forces, controlled like a robot.
When would I be free?
This war of uncertainty is killing me, yet nobody see
Because everyone is busy on putting up their baggage on me.

I wanna feel something but my body is numb all over
Everything seems blurred, I see nothing but frozen tears
I didn’t feel my body, yet I feel someone has hit my soul
Direct to the core, the pain was so unbearable!
I act like a kid and started to cry, sat in a corner alone, waiting for all
Yet no one else was coming for comfort
Nobody asked how I am or why I cried 
No one dares to ask why I sit and fall down 
No one!
Because everyone just want me to fly all around
I envy the birds which fly freely above me. I wish I could do the same like what others expect of me, but I am just mere human, treated like a bird, put in a silver cage.

Long time ago someone has bought a lovely bird with nice looking wings and gorgeously white feather, like a dove. Fascinated by its loveliness, the man put the bird in a cage. Every morning, it has become his routine to watch the bird for it gives him a light and peaceful feeling before he start his long day.  He was centered on his needs to keep the bird in his custody. He never bother to think if the bird needs freedom or not. He never think that it was born for open sky, and that it couldn’t survive in a silver cage.

Poor bird, he was put in a cage by his master. He struggled hard like to break that cage in order to free himself and fly far away at the open sky. Like me, he forgot that he is just a living thing, surrounded by predators, controlled by outside forces. No matter how hard he tries to struggle to free himself up, he couldn’t easily escape because his existence is already controlled by his master. There’s no way out. Struggling for his freedom is just like a dream, nothing more than that.

After a long fight he just give up his life, fly away from his soul but left behind his body which people buy from the market just for money. He was thinking, he has stayed in that cage, his master gave him all the good food, yet he still desired to get away. Now, he is free, but his body which was being blessed was still kept in that silver cage. The master has his body but he has set his own soul free.

Like of that lovely bird, nobody cares to ask what I want. All they cares is what they want and it has become my duty to give them what they want.
I want my freedom. I wanna spread my wings and fly high, meet my desires, do what I want in that boundless sky, but my wings are broken tired.

Do I have to escape from this world, leave everything behind, take nothing but my soul?
Even the answer to this question is not mine but in favor of the people.
Nothing is really mine!
Nothing… except my silent tears frozen in the corner of my cold eyes..
Hidden behind the shadow of lonely nights.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

When a Goddess Fall in Love

Love is so scary. I said "NO".
Love hurts. I said not that much.
Love makes you bad. I said not really.. 
 ...unless you're weak and selfish, who doesn't know the value of sacrifice.

One of our purpose here is to love and to be loved.
Some of us get scared to love because they said it hurts when love fails
But most of us took the risk of loving, believing that its better to love, though lost that love, than never to love at all.
Love is a very powerful force that could change a life to every individual.
It is a powerful healing force to those who embrace it with no condition
but a disgrace to some who took it selfishly.
It could drive you crazy, weird or wild
or give you happiness, contentment and peace.
When it hits you, you gotta deal with it in your own ways.
Love excuses no one, not even to the goddess of love.

I wanted to share about Lavi Singh's insight on a "wild horse ride" love, by sharing a story of a modern goddess who took the risk of loving a man unconditionally.

Confession of a Goddess

They say I'm a goddess of love and beauty. So feeling like a real goddess, strong yet sensible, jolly and carefree, I opened up my wings to embrace love and fly to the rain. I spread beauty through my smile, showering happiness to everyone I see. I am confident in everything I do. I do what I love, and love what I do.

Love, trouble, storm... are no big deal to me. 
My love could heal whatever it may be.
I don't see any problem in love storm. I don't see any emotion stronger than the love in the heart of every person. I am not bothered when people got shaken by the so-called "Love and hate commotion". I don't mind it all, because all I mind is "I am the goddess of love, and love is in my heart.

I am confident I can handle things. I am a goddess remember?
I can control my own feelings as well as the feelings of others. If I need something, I can have it, just by the flip of my finger. I believe I am destined to reach my own star, because I, myself, is a star.

One dark night, trying to come out from my comfort zone, in the world of nowhere, I’ve seen one gorgeous star. Sparkling like the purest jewel, I saw him perfect in everything. I got mesmerized by his magnificence. He’s like the moon shining from a distance, winking at me flirting with his smile. 

.... at last I found my destined star!

That first crazy happy night. 12:00 midnight. I made a genuine happy smile while staring at my new found star across the mile.  I feel disturbed by his charm. His smile is electrifying that awakened a passionate yearning I never expected to feel.  Though I am a stranger to him, his stunning craziness has made me at ease by his presence. That moment, to him I may look like nothing, but to me, I know he is everything.

What is happening to me? I can control things just by the flip of my finger but why now my entire being has gone crazy? Who is this irresistible star that has entered my heart in just a second with no permission and doesn't even care to leave? Why is he disturbing my ironed life and feeling himself comfortable at my sight?

Have I known this star before? He is some kind of noble, strong and powerful like a god, is he a god? He seemed not ordinary but quite familiar to me. I feel like I’ve known him long ago. Have we met before in the greenwood and once in our time have frolicked the rivers and danced with the trees? I feel like he knows me. Each time I see him, I am full of excitement like I am seeing something special shining like no other.

Day by day I wish nothing but to go near him. What is it I am feeling? Every single step I make is like I’m walking towards a flame. I feel like burning each time I see different girls shared a smile at him. I wanna take a step back.. but I can’t, because the more I do it, the more it hurts. Trying to suppress my tears (tears? Goddess do cry?), I just close my eyes and try to make my chance towards him. I don’t wanna compete with any girl. I am in competition with no one. I just wanna go near him and love him. I just wanna see him closer, so I could memorize every single detail of his face and paint it in my heart.

Luckily, I was able to get closer to him, but oh god, the closer I get to touch him the stronger my yearnings. I lost my own world because he has become my world.  My simple love for him has brought me into another dimension. A place of contentment where I could love him freely without asking anything in return and no expectation. In that place he knows I love him more than I ever loved anyone, yet I refrain from asking him of how he really feels. Every time he smile at me, I know he cares! That is more than enough for me. I wanna savor the sweetness of loving him. I don’t care about everything. I don’t even care about tomorrow. All I want is fly, fly high like an eagle and if I fall down, break my neck, I would still be happy because it was all my decision.

Days and months gone by, my love is taking me so up in the sky. Love wants me to enter in his soul. The more I try to get in deeper, the more I get lost. Each time he sit next to me, there’s magic, nothing matters except his words and his lips. I’ve never been as happy as this before.  Just by the thought of him turns my world upside down. I really don’t care about what is happening around. I don’t care if people notice me or see me stupid. I want nothing from anyone except to be in his arms.

I decided to see my love every night and day. He is the star I wanna see and talk to before I sleep at night, and the same star I wanna smile at each morning I wake up. Day after day he is in my every thought. He told me once he doesn’t deserve of my pure love because he is broken, but I shut him up. I don’t care about his past. After all, broken stars are the loveliest and strongest stars. He may be a broken star but his broken pieces give shine to everyone. This is what makes him unique and perfect in my sight. I am willing to help him pick up the broken pieces. I sensed something troubled him. He seemed too restless. I wish I could do something to comfort him. I wish I could erase the pain that hides within him and I wish I could quench his thirst and turn his dry river into an ocean of happiness. I wish I could.. but how?  For now, the only thing I could do is a promise to love him from afar, in my very own way of loving. I love him for no reason, his presence is enough for me to carry on.

One day, with so much excitement to see him again, standing at the place where I last saw him, I waited for him patiently. Where is he? He isn’t coming back? I start to worry. My excitement gone and turn into fear. Fear that he might not come back. For the first time I feel weak and my confidence has become like an ice cream, sweet but melting under the heat of the sun. I’ve never been so scared in my whole existence, not until now.

Feeling weary, I sat in the ground, not losing my hope. Tries to appear strong, I hold back the tears. I could hardly breathe.. as if myself was torn into two. My heart wants to say something but my mind starts to argue. Confusion engulfed me, tears clouded my eyes. What is happening? Yesterday I was so happy, but now I feel like a broken arrow hit my heart and tear it apart.  I buried myself with both hands and screamed in silence and asked god why.

Few moments after, I heard footsteps from a distance, leading towards me.  My eyes want to see, my body wants to feel, but my heart gets scared. My sorrowful heart wants to cheer me up and say “see I told you he is coming, you just need to wait”, but my mind interfered, “No don’t look up, it’s not him, you would only regret”. The hell about regrets.. my love is stronger than my doubt. I didn’t care. I looked up and saw my love extending his hand at me, helping me to stand up. With no second thought I hugged him tight, buried my face in his shoulders, trying to hide the tears streaming down from my eyes. I wish to tell him that last few hours I die a hundred times.. but no, I don’t want him to see me cry, I don’t want him to see me sad. He’s here. No point of wasting my time when he is in my hug.

My love for him is getting deeper. I asked him the next day how he feels about me. My heart is in a rush. I was holding my breath for his answer.. no words came out from his sweet lips except a sweet killer smile that melt my heart like what he did from the very start. Maybe he is not a man of words. His gesture is enough to give me a rainbow. My mind wants to say something but this time, I shut her up, not allowing her to say even a single word. I deserve to be happy. He is my happiness. My love for him inspires me. I’ve seen beauty in everywhere I see. His care and concern is like medicine to me, his smile is like water that gives me life every day. This love of mine drives me crazy.. but I don’t care. I feel like  I can defeat all the hard times, I can win in every battle as long as he is near.

But in everything there is twist. Storm has come. My feeling become shaky. No it can’t be. I am a goddess and everything is in my control, remember? Everything must be okay.. but god, why do I feel like a stranger with my very own self now? Does my love towards him changes me? Or I’m just too worried that my love will just fly away with the storm. There’s a feeling I hate to feel, jealousy. I have never been insecure in my life, but when I see my love standing with someone or talk to someone, my stupid thoughts bring thunderstorm in my hopes. All the happy feelings get scared, they want to hide only in his hug. Why am I feeling this? This is not me. I’ve never been afraid when it comes to love because I myself is love, but why now I feel like I am torn apart? Who am I now and what are these voices whispering at my weary soul? I’m so tired my brace soldiers step up and start to fight for myself. My brain tries to give me peace, hoping to explain that there’s nothing to worry, but why my heart has become numb and turn into devil? It isn’t my heart, I wanna say it isn’t my heart but how to fight when everything in me is weak? Since when did I start doubting him? I trust him but why this force of jealousy is killing me? I know he is restless. I know he flirts around with other stars and couldn’t stick with just one, but why am I hurt when I knew it all from the very start?

Jealousy to anger.. god I don’t believe this. My heart has become devil and its turning myself into evil. Now I don’t care, I don’t mind if the universe call me selfish. I want to possess him, own him, call him mine, and get rid of everyone who go near him.  I never care if it’s fair or unfair or if they call me aggressive. He is mine. He should be mine. I don’t need anything except his love. All I want is to be happy. If becoming a devil makes me happy, so be it. I don’t care at all.

I wanna close my ears. I don’t like to hear voices from anywhere. My heart says I’m in love. Now I trust my heart enough to keep the star I love. Before, I just wait for him without expecting anything, I just be happy when he appears and smile at me. If he comes late I just think he get stuck with work and I patiently wait for him, but now, because I am in love, I get scared if he comes late, “just one scary dream always comes in front of my eye, no one hide him from my sight”. I wish I fight with him, I wish I cry on his shoulder.. but this is too much. He is here now, I need to hide the fear. Teary eyed, hoping the gods in the entire universe be on my favour, I just look up at the sky, there, I see one broken star, flashed before my eyes. In just a second, I shut off my eyes and made a wish for myself. A wish to keep him with me forever. This is my love. I don’t care how people gonna say I’m selfish. I don’t wanna ask what he need… weather he likes to spend his life with me, there’s no difference now of asking him, I’m scared to ask, all I need is him without any conditions.

Am I happy with what I did? God no. I feel ashamed, sad and empty. At first, I promised to watch him just from afar. But this time I took him as my property. I put him in my love jail, making him suffocate of my demands.  God above all gods, I become selfish, I’m sorry. All I want is to fight for my love and to be happy, I forget to see if he is happy with me. What shall I do now? should I set him free from my love jail?  Oh god I feel like dying just by the thought of him away from my sight. I used to laugh with him, shared precious moments with him… How could I let him go? Is there a need to?

Now, I would like to run behind firefly which just I can see but hard to find. I wanna run as long as I can, I wanna see when I get broken tired. I wanna chase my dream of having him, loving him the best way I can, fly him into somewhere else ‘till my wings get broken .... and realize how weak I am.

It's all weak love...when selfishness prevail than sacrifice, when treating the one you love as your property, when jealousy locks your capacity to understand, when turning your good self into devil, when you always find faults and blame others and above all when a goddess step down into a nonsense level.

Being a goddess is not easy. I live not for myself only, I love not for my own heart alone, but for the heart of everyone. Now I understand fully why my destined star can't simply stay. He has a mission like me, to keep shining every night and day and make everyone happy.

I must be strong in my love. I am a goddess of love, strong love should be in my heart.

Brain said, "My love is just in my heart since the man I love is not in real life".

My heart replied, "My love is pure enough to make a man come to life".

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