Wednesday, June 1, 2011

How painful is the pain?

“You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.”

How painful is the pain? well for me, pain is too much when your whole being is too numb and you could no longer feel the hurt, you could no longer think and your entire being is so empty. Pain is too much when you want to cry but nothing will come out from your eyes...
Much painful when you want to shout to release that heavy feeling, but you cannot even shout.  Pain is too painful when you die yet you still live.

People say:
Love is like a bond. It makes you feel great when you have it... 
Love help you up when you are down... 
Just to push you back down again!
Others say love is a feeling two people share,
Some say love is a game..., 
But I say:
Love is pain that we have to embrace. There goes the saying "No pain, no gain" so without embracing it, we can't go on living, after all, we are born to love and to be loved. No matter how painful the pain is, we have to go on loving. Yeah, love teaches us pain, and once the feeling of love goes, we all try so hard to feel it again.. life is so ironic. (sighs)    

Everyday, along my journey, I am always yearning for that real love. I am too focused of my feelings without considering the feelings of that someone whom I claimed I have loved, to the extent that he might got  suffocate of my behavior. I am too centered on my beliefs and conclusions, all because of jealousy.
I asked myself several times of why I always get jealous. Maybe I have grounds or bases of that jealousy, but, it will not justify to tolerate myself from messing up.  Still the fact remains that too much of it will suffocate a person. Too much of it will draw a person away from you. I just discovered it today, and it isn't too late :) 

I am used to pain. I just wish that someday, along the way, I feel no pain.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


“Where and when you least expect it, LOVE is there!”

       This quote has always been my inspiration for a long time now. I hardly forget the day when a stranger  came into my life and filled my heart with gladness.  I met this stranger while I was on my journey, searching for the real meaning of love and peace. That instant, I got struck by his simple gestures and desirable thoughts that has become the passageway towards the most important room of my heart. He has easily boarded in and in fact, until now, he is the sole occupant of that special room. This stranger has become a someone whom I turned to, whom I laughed with and shared with.. the someone who has unveiled my heart to see what love and peace is all about.

     Hours, days, and even months had passed, I keep on journeying with him. We’ve been trying to patch up every differences to save us both. I trusted him more than I ever trusted anybody. They said, the future is yet to come. Yeah.. it is uncertain. We have decided to keep on journeying with a happy heart no matter how uncertain the future is, and the secret ingredient is TRUST.

        In the absence of trust, things gonna be different then. Each of us needs to keep holding on the trust we have. If it is a risk to do so, then be it a risk, it is quite satisfying to take the risk rather than play safe and do nothing at all. TRUST IN LOVE. LOVE WITH TRUST. This two must always come together!. 

Friday, March 4, 2011


  “I gave my all, my trust, my love and my heart.. but it wasn’t enough"

       When we are on a rocky situation, we often asked "why does Life so cruel? Is it really how life is? Why does happiness will only visit to us once and when it leaves, all the pains and hurts poured out upon us? Is journeying in love has to be like this?" 
Once In A Blue Moon
     I am not a dramatist nor an essayist but being in love's journey with all the happiness and pains,  I was taught to be one. Well, not as good as what you think,  and not as everyone does but I can be in my little own ways, in such a way  that I know purely, hoping that my pain would ease.  I only write my feelings once in a blue moon,  and today is one of the moment, the sad moment of my days. My heart is too heavy . I am hoping that through this piece, this pain in me will disappear like a wind blows at once, and this heart of mine will find real peace and love.  I'm sorry if I put mostly of  my sentiments here, but what can I do? this is my sanctuary, and this is how I feel now. I want to take a rest from this journey, but I don’t know how.. I want to cry out loud, scream as loud as  possible… and I want all the tears to come out, empty my eyes from every drop that tortures my agonizing heart. Hoping that after this, this pain would leave me and I can have peace. If I could beg this pain to go away, then I will beg for it to go.. just wish I would know how?

     I asked myself of what is wrong with me.  Why do I need to suffer? I can't blame no one for this pain.  Maybe the wrong is..I don't know how to love..  what a shame on me, I’ve been teaching what love is, I’ve been promoting love and peace, but deep within me, I feel empty. I am but a hollow being at this very moment. I am only good at showing my face to others, I am good in wearing a mask, a mask that I am okay, a mask portraying that everything is alright, a mask showing everyone that I am strong.. but deep within  me, is a battered soul.

     I can show the world my sweet smile, yeah.. and they said my smile brings wonder.. but where is that wonder? I may be smiling, but my heart is crying, If you see me smile often, that’s how often I have cried. 

     Perhaps, I don’t know how to love, and this is the reason why I am too demanding and jealous.  This isn't love, right? coz a love is not suppose to be jealous? but why am I feeling this way? Well, maybe I want the person whom I love to care for me the same way as I cared for him. Maybe it was wrong that I always waited for him to  tell me that he thinks  of me everyday, or maybe I always hungered of his sweet words, specially the magic word that makes up my day. I want him to show his feeling towards me everyday for security. I always ask and demand trust. 

I'm sorry for Loving You the way I know
     Do I sound insecure now? I hope not! (sighs). I only wanted that his attention is only for me which is all wrong because he has also his own life to live and own friends to be with. Then what would I want? Am I sick ? well, maybe yeah  I am sick.    I am so mad in this feeling called love. I am nothing  and no one but  a SELFISH. person. I don’t deserve this thing you call LOVE. I don't deserve to be loved coz everyone I loved  was hurt because of my  own way of loving.  My way of love hurts you and with this, my apology. Forgive me for loving you the way I know!

     I might be a sick individual, seeking for love and attention and when I have it,  I don't know how to get hold of it.  Please get away from me, don't ever come near me.  Don't be fooled by  my smile.  This smile could hurt you, the same as it hurt me. I am sick and I don’t know the cure. I am sick of this love and I am almost dying for this, incurable depression like a virus and I don’t want  you to get infected by me. I don't want you to die with me. I would rather die alone than to see you hurting, I don’t know if this is love, but this is how I am feeling. Before I depart from you, let me say, I AM SORRY for loving you this way :( 

The above post "How is it to love" describes  the hard days I had as  I went along my journey in love. It shows how love can affect the emotion and the reasoning of the one suffering from it. It somehow reminds us that love's journey is rocky at times and what we need is to stay firm amidst all the storms we meet along the way!<3 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Letting go

"By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of love to come in for us"

How can I let go when my world is YOU
     Everybody have something to say about love. But only few knows how it is in a journey. Love has never been smooth sailing! As we keep on journeying, there are moments that we need to battle the hurts and pain.

      There come times along our journey of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. For some of us, we must let go of a past romantic relationship. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be. Perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal or spiritual growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong enough in letting go of something. We must be strong in letting go of the hurt and pain that is tormenting us. It is not easy. Not at all, especially when we know that our life revolves with the person whom we truly love. Letting go of that person, and letting go of the past we have shared, letting go of all the dreams we build up, and letting go on everything that reminds us of him/her is the hardest part. 

     Pain is always there, yeah, and sometimes that pain will generate anger. In this case, we need to let go of the anger. Holding on to anger does not save us - and it might even serve to create problems in our physical health or emotional well-being. In the realm of romantic relationships, some of us need to let go of unrealistic expectations. Whether we have idealized a past relationship or just read too many romance novels, or have seen romantic movies.. some of us need to let go of the myth of the perfect lover: the fantasy of a relationship that requires no work and just brings us "happily ever after." By letting go, I am not implying "to forget" or "to ignore." By all means, we should carry with us the happy memories and the lessons we have learned from our past relationships. 

     However, we need to let go in the sense of releasing emotional baggage we may be carrying around with us, so that we may be open to, and present for, a new relationship. Unless we cannot let go of the past, we remain unhappy and we cannot find peace within. We cannot open our heart for a new and real relationship to come in. Let go of the love fantasy and get real. Get focused on things that lighten up the emotional baggage. It is normal that in every journey, there are lots of baggages.. and by this, we need to unload the unimportant one in order for us to journey  with a light heart and mind. 

Good bye!
     Letting go is never easy. It doesn't mean giving up, but somewhat accepting that there are things that cannot be.  Let me quote Winfrey's quote "Breathe. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

Let go of the past and focus on the present! Treasure what you have now! Unless you won't let go of your past, you could never value the importance of the present! ~Leony~

Friday, February 4, 2011

Mending A Heart

"I have faked my greatest smile. Nobody will notice that it is just a lie. Everybody can see that I am happy, having no traces of pain.. I really want to cry and yet I still have to smile because everybody expect me to be alright"
Love's journey is said to be a balance of laughter and tear, happiness and sadness. But in life's journey, there are more sorrows than happiness. When we are happy, there are too many people that we can share our happiness with, but when we are sad, there are not many people willing to share our burdens. The irony of life, isn't it?
     I haven't felt like myself these past days. A friend of mine has invited me to have a stroll just to refresh the mind from past days work. There was really  no reason not to go but, I just didn't feel like it. So I spent most of the day at home, sitting and staring at my monitor but my mind was really blank. There was a feeling of self-pity, and I felt like crying. I don't really like the feeling, but I couldn't help it. I need to cry in order to remove that inner pain. I felt so numb and too weak. I was totally in a mess.
     I do believe that everyone has some ups and downs, and sadness is a natural emotion, but that time was totally different for me. It was until then I realized that I was beginning to fall into the so called "depression". I mistakenly believe that depression is only an attitude or a mood that I can shake off, but oh God, it was not that easy!
     One night, when the pain was so fresh, I asked myself of whom  I want to share my burden with. I have heard over the years this quote "Time heals all wounds", but do I really have to wait for the time to heal this wounded heart? I  must do something. I was sitting again staring at my monitor at that moment, refreshing his  previous messages. I stared at it while my mind tells me to have more respect for myself. I  logically understand that sending a message to him is not going to make the situation any better, but then, my bruised heart enters the scene and subdued my mine. It says "Go ahead, come online, and  you will feel better... temporarily at least." I simply followed my heart and the moment I opened it up, he was already there, waiting for me too and  was about to do the same.!! 
Jeeez!! the amount of tears I shed when he was out was the same amount of  tears I shed when I let him in again. I thank God for He did not allow me to prolong the pain, I thank myself for allowing my  wounded heart to overpower my mind. Now,  my smile is no longer a lie. :)

Thursday, February 3, 2011


 I'm all Covered with Scars
(Special Thanks to Youth Encounter)

   I have trusted again and been  betrayed at times.
Why It Hurts to Care?

I have loved and ended up alone and in tears.
I have tried hard to care and failed often.
I have been warm and received a cold shoulder.
I have been through it, Lord.
I’ve fallen on my face.
I’ve been bruised.
Look, Lord, I’m all covered with scars!
I have done my best..
But my best was not enough

Is this my Fate?
Don't I deserve happiness?
 Am I destined for sorrow?

Wounded Heart

My Heart
My very precious heart is gorgeous, full of beauty. 
But when pain comes, my heart withers, its beauty disappears. 

Many times my heart has been like a rose flower- beautiful, full of joy and peace, ready to bring joy to others and to love others unselfishly. 

But now, my heart is closed, wounded, without joy and hope, without Peace & Love.

This is my hardest and painful moment. I feel that heinous knife stabbed at my precious heart, the heart that I can only be proud of.. is bleeding! 

No. This is no longer my heart.. because my one and only heart has been stolen by a man. How lucky that man is.. he could go somewhere else with my heart in his hand.. the only treasure I have is gone! 

Without a heart...
How can I live my life today? 
How can I move on?
Kindly hand it back to me, 
for without a heart, I couldn't imagine a day!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Way Of Love

     Love will not always go on easy waters. Waves will pour in and test the power of your love. Keep the love burning so that no matter how many problems you will have to put up, however turbulent they may be, your love will stay afloat.

     Most people have experienced the ups and downs in a relationship. Arguments and clashes happen. Some looses it and others have overcome it. Well, It can't be denied that those little differences between lovers has helped a lot in building a more healthy relationship. Arguments or "Love quarrel" as they call it, add spices to every relationship. This is one way of showing how they care and how they value with each other. 

     Do we really have to experience it? Do we need to undergo this irritating scene in love's journey? These questions keep on bugging me. Writing this article makes me remember one person, a very special one. He is someone who can twist your world upside down. A someone who never fails to give surprises, whose mind never stop in experimenting new ideas and events, even in love. I find this someone so candid-- the way he speak out everything and acted as if he dominates his own world. One time I asked myself, is it his way of showing Love? There is simply magic in this man. I can't even define him, and the worst is I lost my reasoning when it comes to him. Everytime I hate him, the more longings come within. How did this someone become so dear to me? my gosh I do not even know!!! Events have overtaken the day since I have received that message "I am always ready for a noble cause" from him. It was just like a lightning that struck me, but instead of killing me has invigorated my life.

     There is promise in him. I feel it. Everytime we talk I feel the love in him. I have concluded that everything he did and everything he said to me are reflections of what is inside of him. This is how he loves me. This is his way of love. This is how I am journeying with him. 

     In love's journey, always go to the mile together. Do not leave your beloved behind, or both of you would be lost. As long as you have each others hand, everything would be alright. With your hands together, you can set your destiny; your dreams, your family. Have faith in each other.

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