Love is so scary. I said "NO".
Love hurts. I said not that much.
Love makes you bad. I said not really..
...unless you're weak and selfish, who doesn't know the value of sacrifice.
One of our purpose here is to love and to be loved.
Some of us get scared to love because they said it hurts when love fails
But most of us took the risk of loving, believing that its better to love, though lost that love, than never to love at all.
Love is a very powerful force that could change a life to every individual.
It is a powerful healing force to those who embrace it with no condition
but a disgrace to some who took it selfishly.
It could drive you crazy, weird or wild
or give you happiness, contentment and peace.
When it hits you, you gotta deal with it in your own ways.
Love excuses no one, not even to the goddess of love.
I wanted to share about Lavi Singh's insight on a "wild horse ride" love, by sharing a story of a modern goddess who took the risk of loving a man unconditionally.
Confession of a Goddess
Love, trouble, storm... are no big deal to me.
My love could heal whatever it may be.
I don't see any problem in love storm. I don't see any emotion stronger than the love in the heart of every person. I am not bothered when people got shaken by the so-called "Love and hate commotion". I don't mind it all, because all I mind is "I am the goddess of love, and love is in my heart.
I am confident I can handle things. I am a goddess remember?
I can control my own feelings as well as the feelings of others. If I need something, I can have it, just by the flip of my finger. I believe I am destined to reach my own star, because I, myself, is a star.
One dark night, trying
to come out from my comfort zone, in the world of nowhere, I’ve seen one
gorgeous star. Sparkling like the purest jewel, I saw him perfect in
everything. I got mesmerized by his magnificence. He’s like the moon shining
from a distance, winking at me flirting with his smile.
.... at last I found my
destined star!
That first crazy happy
night. 12:00 midnight. I made a genuine happy smile while staring
at my new found star across the mile. I feel disturbed by his charm. His smile is electrifying that awakened a passionate yearning I never
expected to feel. Though I am a stranger to him, his stunning craziness
has made me at ease by his presence. That moment, to him I may look like
nothing, but to me, I know he is everything.
What is happening to me?
I can control things just by the flip of my finger but why now my entire being
has gone crazy? Who is this irresistible star that has entered my heart in just
a second with no permission and doesn't even care to leave? Why is he
disturbing my ironed life and feeling himself comfortable at my sight?
Have I known this star
before? He is some kind of noble, strong and powerful like a god, is he a god?
He seemed not ordinary but quite familiar to me. I feel like I’ve known him
long ago. Have we met before in the greenwood and once in our time have
frolicked the rivers and danced with the trees? I feel like he knows me. Each time I see him, I am full of excitement like I am seeing something
special shining like no other.
Day by day I wish
nothing but to go near him. What is it I am feeling? Every single step I make
is like I’m walking towards a flame. I feel like burning each time I see
different girls shared a smile at him. I wanna take a step back.. but I can’t,
because the more I do it, the more it hurts. Trying to suppress my tears
(tears? Goddess do cry?), I just close my eyes and try to make my chance
towards him. I don’t wanna compete with any girl. I am in competition with no
one. I just wanna go near him and love him. I just wanna see him closer, so I
could memorize every single detail of his face and paint it in my heart.
Luckily, I was able to
get closer to him, but oh god, the closer I get to touch him the stronger my
yearnings. I lost my own world because he has become my world. My simple
love for him has brought me into another dimension. A place of contentment where
I could love him freely without asking anything in return and no expectation.
In that place he knows I love him more than I ever loved anyone, yet I refrain
from asking him of how he really feels. Every time he smile at me, I know he
cares! That is more than enough for me. I wanna savor the sweetness of loving
him. I don’t care about everything. I don’t even care about tomorrow. All I
want is fly, fly high like an eagle and if I fall down, break my neck, I would
still be happy because it was all my decision.
Days and months gone by,
my love is taking me so up in the sky. Love wants me to enter in his soul. The
more I try to get in deeper, the more I get lost. Each time he sit next to me,
there’s magic, nothing matters except his words and his lips. I’ve never been
as happy as this before. Just by the thought of him turns my world upside
down. I really don’t care about what is happening around. I don’t care if
people notice me or see me stupid. I want nothing from anyone except to be in
his arms.
I decided to see my love
every night and day. He is the star I wanna see and talk to before I sleep at
night, and the same star I wanna smile at each morning I wake up. Day after day
he is in my every thought. He told me once he doesn’t deserve of my pure love
because he is broken, but I shut him up. I don’t care about his past. After
all, broken stars are the loveliest and strongest stars. He may be a broken
star but his broken pieces give shine to everyone. This is what makes him
unique and perfect in my sight. I am willing to help him pick up the broken
pieces. I sensed something troubled him. He seemed too restless. I wish I could
do something to comfort him. I wish I could erase the pain that hides within
him and I wish I could quench his thirst and turn his dry river into an ocean
of happiness. I wish I could.. but how? For now, the only thing I could
do is a promise to love him from afar, in my very own way of loving. I love him
for no reason, his presence is enough for me to carry on.
One day, with so much
excitement to see him again, standing at the place where I last saw him, I
waited for him patiently. Where is he? He isn’t coming back? I start to worry.
My excitement gone and turn into fear. Fear that he might not come back. For
the first time I feel weak and my confidence has become like an ice cream, sweet but melting under the heat of the sun. I’ve never been so scared in my whole
existence, not until now.
Feeling weary, I sat in
the ground, not losing my hope. Tries to appear strong, I hold back the tears.
I could hardly breathe.. as if myself was torn into two. My heart wants to say
something but my mind starts to argue. Confusion engulfed me, tears clouded my
eyes. What is happening? Yesterday I was so happy, but now I feel like a broken
arrow hit my heart and tear it apart. I buried myself with both hands and
screamed in silence and asked god why.
Few moments after, I
heard footsteps from a distance, leading towards me. My eyes want to see,
my body wants to feel, but my heart gets scared. My sorrowful heart wants to
cheer me up and say “see I told you he is coming, you just need to wait”, but
my mind interfered, “No don’t look up, it’s not him, you would only regret”.
The hell about regrets.. my love is stronger than my doubt. I didn’t care. I
looked up and saw my love extending his hand at me, helping me to stand up.
With no second thought I hugged him tight, buried my face in his shoulders,
trying to hide the tears streaming down from my eyes. I wish to tell him that
last few hours I die a hundred times.. but no, I don’t want him to see me cry,
I don’t want him to see me sad. He’s here. No point of wasting my time when he
is in my hug.
My love for him is
getting deeper. I asked him the next day how he feels about me. My heart is in
a rush. I was holding my breath for his answer.. no words came out from his
sweet lips except a sweet killer smile that melt my heart like what he did from
the very start. Maybe he is not a man of words. His gesture is enough to give
me a rainbow. My mind wants to say something but this time, I shut her up, not
allowing her to say even a single word. I deserve to be happy. He is my
happiness. My love for him inspires me. I’ve seen beauty in everywhere I see.
His care and concern is like medicine to me, his smile is like water that gives
me life every day. This love of mine drives me crazy.. but I don’t care. I feel
like I can defeat all the hard times, I can win in every battle as long
as he is near.
But in everything there
is twist. Storm has come. My feeling become shaky. No it can’t be. I am a
goddess and everything is in my control, remember? Everything must be okay..
but god, why do I feel like a stranger with my very own self now? Does my love
towards him changes me? Or I’m just too worried that my love will just fly away
with the storm. There’s a feeling I hate to feel, jealousy. I have never been
insecure in my life, but when I see my love standing with someone or talk to
someone, my stupid thoughts bring thunderstorm in my hopes. All the happy
feelings get scared, they want to hide only in his hug. Why am I feeling this?
This is not me. I’ve never been afraid when it comes to love because I myself
is love, but why now I feel like I am torn apart? Who am I now and what are
these voices whispering at my weary soul? I’m so tired my brace soldiers step
up and start to fight for myself. My brain tries to give me peace, hoping to
explain that there’s nothing to worry, but why my heart has become numb and
turn into devil? It isn’t my heart, I wanna say it isn’t my heart but how to fight
when everything in me is weak? Since when did I start doubting him? I trust him
but why this force of jealousy is killing me? I know he is restless. I know he
flirts around with other stars and couldn’t stick with just one, but why am I
hurt when I knew it all from the very start?
Jealousy to anger.. god
I don’t believe this. My heart has become devil and its turning myself into
evil. Now I don’t care, I don’t mind if the universe call me selfish. I want to
possess him, own him, call him mine, and get rid of everyone who go near him. I never
care if it’s fair or unfair or if they call me aggressive. He is mine. He
should be mine. I don’t need anything except his love. All I want is to be
happy. If becoming a devil makes me happy, so be it. I don’t care at all.
I wanna close my ears. I
don’t like to hear voices from anywhere. My heart says I’m in love. Now I trust
my heart enough to keep the star I love. Before, I just wait for him without
expecting anything, I just be happy when he appears and smile at me. If he comes
late I just think he get stuck with work and I patiently wait for him, but now,
because I am in love, I get scared if he comes late, “just one scary dream
always comes in front of my eye, no one hide him from my sight”. I wish I fight
with him, I wish I cry on his shoulder.. but this is too much. He is here now,
I need to hide the fear. Teary eyed, hoping the gods in the entire universe be
on my favour, I just look up at the sky, there, I see one broken star, flashed
before my eyes. In just a second, I shut off my eyes and made a wish for
myself. A wish to keep him with me forever. This is my love. I don’t care how
people gonna say I’m selfish. I don’t wanna ask what he need… weather he likes
to spend his life with me, there’s no difference now of asking him, I’m scared
to ask, all I need is him without any conditions.
Am I happy with what I
did? God no. I feel ashamed, sad and empty. At first, I promised to watch him
just from afar. But this time I took him as my property. I put him in my love
jail, making him suffocate of my demands. God above all gods, I become
selfish, I’m sorry. All I want is to fight for my love and to be happy, I
forget to see if he is happy with me. What shall I do now? should I set him
free from my love jail? Oh god I feel like dying just by the thought of
him away from my sight. I used to laugh with him, shared precious moments with
him… How could I let him go? Is there a need to?
Now, I would like to run
behind firefly which just I can see but hard to find. I wanna run as long as I
can, I wanna see when I get broken tired. I wanna chase my dream of having him,
loving him the best way I can, fly him into somewhere else ‘till my wings get
broken .... and realize how weak I am.
It's all weak
love...when selfishness prevail than sacrifice, when treating the one you love
as your property, when jealousy locks your capacity to understand, when turning
your good self into devil, when you always find faults and blame others and
above all when a goddess step down into a nonsense level.
Being a goddess is not easy. I live not for myself only, I love
not for my own heart alone, but for the heart of everyone. Now I understand
fully why my destined star can't simply stay. He has a mission like me, to keep
shining every night and day and make everyone happy.
I must be strong in my love. I am a goddess of love, strong love should be in my heart.
Brain said, "My
love is just in my heart since the man I love is not in real life".
My heart replied,
"My love is pure enough to make a man come to life".
