Friday, December 30, 2011

Day to day journey


"HOLD THE KEY AND UNLOCK THE MYSTERY"

     Our life is in our hands to live. We can make plans for the day, for the year, for our future.. we set our goals of what we ought to become, we are determined to succeed.. but there is so much unknown in Life. Just keep journeying moment by moment each day with much love and peace in your heart. Then on the process, you will discover that you have unlocked the unknown and make it known.. you will realize one day that you're already at the top! What a sweet feeling of satisfaction you have, when you're on top, loved by so many, because of your greatness, in life and in love. Love not just to those who love you but also to those who hated you. Your loving heart is the key towards success! Hold the key and unlock the mystery of life... 



"LIFE IS A GIFT"

Choose life.. save life.. preserve the sanctity and integrity of life.. this battle for legalization of reproductive health bill which lead to abortion is not for us.. but a battle for our children's children... help save life.. I am sad for this ongoing fight in Philippine Congress.. pls. pray and help save life. Choose life that your children may live. 






"MY OWN SECRET GARDEN"
(you are invited)

In my garden, there is a large place for sentiment. My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams.. the thoughts grow as freely as the flowers, and the dreams are so beautiful... may I invite my friends to visit this garden.. and let us all try to unwind... Accompany me here. Let's talk anything.  The best kind of friend is that kind whom you can sit on a porch and swing with.. never say a word, and then walk a way feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

VAMPIRE's LOVE KISS


(By: Leony Moonrose)

The moonlight gleaming off her whitish skin,
The simplicity shown in her angelic smile.
A trace of yearning shines within her eyes,
And a touch of blood stains at her lips.

She smiled yeah, but looks so sad,
While waiting for the man she loved.
She's praying her love wouldn't last,
But it can’t be coz she knows, it would last tonight!

She hears him knock and knows he'll be worried..
She opens the door knowing what she must do..
She must say goodbye to her only love,
And set him free to live his normal life. 


 



As she wipes a tear that rolled down her cheek 
she said:
"my dear I do love you so, but I'm afraid I must go.
You must live your life to the fullest
enjoy I'll be with you in the end ..
Just feel me and I’ll be with the wind.

"I love you my dear and never forget it.
I’ll be in your heart and treasure you always."
And with a kiss she was gone and all that was left..
was ash and a shiver on the man’s lips..
from his lover vampire's love kiss.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Worry Not - The Poem

(By: Leony Moonrose)

Whenever I'm weary,
I say, Oh mind, never feel the same.
You must have sympathy,
 Don't ever blame.


When the rays of worry saddens me
I say, oh mind never give up  hope
After that stormy sea
the smiling sun will rise.


when I look up the shining stars at the amazing sky,
and the sweet smiling moon at night,
I smile back even if I got a sorrowful heart
Coz I know, the clouds will pass them by.


Nothing will stay in this world,
Not even my loneliness.
I cry one day, but I must stand
Because I know I am so blessed<3

My Weary Soul

"I normally do not go to temple or do not ask God for anything but I will go to church and temple to pray that you will become happy again and be happy forever".

These are the touching words from a friend across the mile.
A friend who doesn't even know me at all, but offers his prayer.
I was sitting right here, watching the rain outside, thinking about my journey in love, in confusion.
Yes, I was sitting here wondering... until these words (above) has struck me.

I did not speak much about me to anyone. Not even to my close family.
I 'd rather keep everything inside me, deep within my soul instead of sharing it out to others. What for?
I am certain that everyone has their own sentiments and difficult moments too.
So instead of sharing it, I chose to be alone.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Lonesome and hopeless moment..
The weather is cloudy.
My mind is foggy..
My heart is gloomy!
Many times I heard my friends saying: "Enjoy life as if it is your last day."
Many times too I told myself yes I must.
But in reality, when pain engulf me, I can't help but cry...seeking for release!

Yes, I must be happy. Thanks for the pure wish of happiness, my friend...
But please help me..
Please ask God to give me strength..
for my  soul is too weary.


I hope someday, I can give back the favor to you..
Praying for your  happiness too.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Painful Truth

Painful Moment!!..   do I have to savor this moment?

It was dark. It was raining. It was so cold. It was last night! I see no colors. It was purely black! I see nothing but darkness. I feel nothing but pain.

Pain is in love with me. You know why? because no matter how I try to ignore it ..  it doesn't leave me. Love has left me, but pain is always there, haunting me, paralyzing me.

I can't move,   I can't breath... my  life has stopped. My journey has ended. The world is unfair.. Last night,  he let the moon hides. The world doesn't want  me to see his moon.. yes, the moon.

The moon is  hiding, and forever  be hiding. I could no longer see his magnificence. He has left me. He left without even letting me see his true nature, his true identity. He has promised me to see him, but it was all a lie. He forgot his promise. He  hides himself behind the clouds, the clouds of sorrows.

How can I fly? the beauty of the cloud has gone. It's all foggy  now, protecting the moon behind it. It's all darkness!  no ray of moonlight, even just a pale moonlight.  :(

How can I walk in the darkness?
I am paralyzed,  I don't feel anything except the tears flowing out from my eyes..
tears that travel towards my sorrowful soul.
tears that makes my vision blurred...
How can I see the light? the world has taken it away from me.
Painful moment, painful truth.. the moon is only attracted to me.
He knows from the very beginning that he can't have  me but still he pursued to own me.
Was he selfish from the very beginning? He has taken everything from me.. my happiness, my heart.
Now, he has left me with a reason, LIFE HAS CHANGED.
This is the most painful phrase I heard from  him . From this phrase, from these words, everything  has turned into nothing. It means then that because of change,  all his promises, all  his feelings towards me, all the good memories,  all the happiness we shared,  has changed.
He is so smart.. yeah he is, because he has driven my life smoothly, then when the road is too slippery and  too many humps, he left me to save himself.. saying, time changes!  Time has change and along with it is his change of feeling  towards me.
Time has changed, that's why there's excuse in everything.
I am a hindrance of his future... but still I pray for him to succeed.
I will bear to bear the unbearable pain... just for him to succeed.!

I will sit here,  watching the sky, hoping the sun would come up and show to me his smile.. even just a fake smile!.  






Thursday, December 1, 2011

THE HARD DAYS

      "Restore within me the integrity of heart that will not be shaken by any storms.., that no matter how hard my days are, still I will stand firm."

     It was a hot weather on that particular day, November 30, 2011, yet I didn't mind the heat. In fact, I was feeling cold inside. I was feeling blue and my entire being was like a robot after I left my computer with a  heavy heart. I decided to visit my friend after a stroll at my favorite mountain peak.  This is what I usually do every time I got a heavy feeling. To spend sometime to unwind.

     Little did I know, that day would give my life an abrupt twist. As I maneuvered my motorbike, I noticed him: "A big man with a mustache. He's approaching towards my direction and before I knew it, He was blocking my way.

     "Give me the key!" he demanded.
I screamed. I didn't move, holding on to my keys tightly. Desperate, he straightened up and pulled something out of his pocket, omg  a knife!!
     "I will kill you!, he  hissed pointing the knife at me.

     I couldn't cry, I closed my eyes and prayed aloud, speaking words only God could understand. And soon, at one point during the most terrifying moment, somehow, I was certain I would not die. I didn't know what happened, maybe confused by the sound I made, the man began cursing and then in a second he dashed to the street and jumped into a passing vehicle. He was gone. omg how did it happen? I was shivering when I left that place heading towards my friend's house.

     She wasn't there when I arrived at our rendevouz (our hiding place when we need to unwind). I went straight to her study room. Still full of energy, I grabbed her guitar and played a praise song. While I was plucking and humming the song, the hurtful realization of a relationship, the heavy feeling of the emotional distress I had for the day and that horrible incident flashed back my mind. It was towards the middle of the song that I broke into tears. I tried as much as I can to stand strong, to maintain a happy aura, but right that very moment, I gave in to tears!. Very much thankful that along my journey, He is always there, protecting me. Praise Him.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

HOW DO I LOVE A PERSON

      This is the kind of question I often ask from myself. A question that always gives me a flashback of how life has treated me, of how I journey my life in the course of love... yesterday and today!

My love is a gift to myself and to you
With much love in the heart, I sometimes feel the need to escape the harsh realities of the world. I want only happiness, even magical happiness.  I often go to the mountain peak to complete my fantasy trip. I call it my magical love fantasy. It makes me more joyful than anything else. To savor the word love.

When it comes to love, I'm maybe blind! lol..coz I just love to be in love and am willing to sacrifice everything for it. I am extremely devoted and even find myself ignoring my partner shortcomings. Being in love is one way for me to go beyond reality and escape the ordinary everyday world. It makes me feel alive yeah.. especially when I heard that my loved one is present with me. It allows my spirit to soar. Some people say I'm an incurable romantic, capable of being swept off to fantasy land. Well, they maybe right, however, I'm deeply spiritual and don't take relationships or sex lightly. 

I am highly affectionate and easy to please, and appreciate the efforts of others especially the effort of the person I love. I want to know that I am loved and so I prefer someone who is loving, sensitive and demonstrative to be at my side. I give unselfishly of myself to others, but sometimes run the risk of losing my own identity in the process. I am quite aware of it though.. but I tolerate it sometimes, coz what I really looking for is a special connection with someone I feel will accept and understand me. Life feels shallow and dry to me when romance is missing  awww lol.. – so I'm eager to take the plunge. Always take the risk.. but I must be careful though… sometimes I'm so keen to be romantically connected that I dive in too quickly and find myself connected to someone unsuitable.Why unsuitable? because the someone cannot meet my expectation. I must be on guard of my feelings too, I hope. This is how I am journeying in love <3

My love is a gift simply wrapped for my loved one to easily open up.  Haayyy buhayy, parang life :)


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

YOU ARE WHAT YOU NEED TO BE

"As each moment make known to me, I will discover new things..."

Each moment make known is a self discovery towards new and challenging things. 

These past days, dealing with the bad breaks of life and love has turned my world upside down. I thought I've gone crazy, with so much tension in me. I couldn't think, couldn't even work. Everything was so messed up! ohh what a life! I need to do certain things but my willingness hinders me.  I need to think rightly but I was too weak to even think. I felt all alone. I didn't know where to find anyone in the trenches like me, who were a little bit further along in their journey in this life and were willing to help me and teach me or advice me the right steps to take  to make sure I stayed on the right track. I felt like an outcast that no one was with me. Totally alone! Lost is the word to describe that phase of my life.

Tears has accompanied me throughout this journey of being alone. I lost my trust to anyone. I felt like I was taken for granted. Negative feelings engulfed my sorrowful heart and weary mind.  I know it wasn't right, but I let myself, at least for a moment, to have something to pin down. I cried hard and gathered all the pains inside me, and shout it out the best I can. Yeah, crying out is my way of consoling myself. This is how I dealt with pain.. tears is my console, my bestfriend. It was the first one to rescue me. Tears never fail to accompany me during my  hard days .. tears was all I got and it was the same tears that taught me about how it is to live.

Live with love and Survive
"I am used to pain" has already become my mantra. uhh? what is in the pain that I pampered much? Realization struck me, but instead of hurting, it has invigorated my entire being.  It took me sometime to realize that all  was caused of self pity. Pampering pain and self  pity will do no good, it's just a waste of time. So what!!  if things didn't turned out right as expected? 

Being away for quite sometime has helped a lot in curing my wounded heart.  That experience made me realize that even though I had been battered with pain, life had to be more about meaning, that life is full of beauty. Come to think of the less fortunate individual who are searching food for survival.. They survived!  so why can't I? 
I am a survivor... A survivor from physical anger of nature and from the hurtful playing emotion caused by people. With that tears, I am much stronger than I realize. I am stronger and more capable than I know. In fact now, I can proudly say, after all the pain I've been trough..I can handle everything that comes my way with strength to spare. Tears has become my strength.

Right  now, I need to change my view of myself to be as strong as I need to be. I am the master of my own self. I must treat it right. I must direct myself to be what I need to be. Right at this moment, I am what I need to be. In the next moment, according to an author, I will be able to respond to that moment with ease and grace. And so in the next moment as well. I musn't get distracted with this pain the world has given me. I must walk ahead, hold my head up high, and face the world wearing a confident smile. I am what I am and what I need to be. Life only seems irresistible  when I allow the future to roll out before me, outlined with fear and doubt. I will not live it as I fear. I will not live it as I imagine. I will experience it as it comes, each moment. This is my life in love's moment.. and this is how I must live my life.  I do believe now that each moment make known is a discovery of  new things in love and life. Out of this moment, I can be a different person than I am right now.

Allow this discovery of newness
I must allow this discovery of newness and strength to grow. I must set fear and doubt aside and fill myself with faith and action fed with courage, as I go along my journey in this newness, and with Love and Peace in the heart. Oftenly, before I was too weak.. but now, giving up is not my choice of word. I am strong and capable. I can rise up, fly high above the blue sky of hope, to the challenges of my life with much courage and love<3.  I can reach and touch the moon with my bear hands and shine out with my pure wish of all goodness.. goodness to myself and to the people who hurt me. I wish them all goodness, wellness and love as I step out into the world to embrace each new day with power infused with love and peace.<3 Nothing is impossible. :)


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

When our eyes met, there was magic

When was the first time we fall in love? How was the feeling?


      Going back when we first fall in love, on that very unforgettable date, the whole world seems to fade into the background.

      My lover is my no.1, the "center stage" as we call it.  I am yearning of his presence. I just love him so much that I dare not see anyone else. I always look forward of his message. A single "hi" is enough to keep me going the whole day. It made me complete. It made me wear a genuine smile to everyone I met. I didn't mind others opinion about  him. I didn't mind the world. I didn't mind if I was dreaming. All I mind was the sweet feeling of giving love and being loved.

      For sure you guys knew too about this feeling! You knew well how colorful the world of a person in love is. Our  heart can do wonders. We can make songs out from that feeling.  We can even make poems that help us convey the message from our heart. Being in love allows us to see the beauty of life. The beauty inside and out. All the things we see in this world, is full of beauty.. but nothing is more beautiful than the eyes of our beloved <3.


There's magic when your eyes rest mine
When our eyes met, there was magic!
pure, undiluted and electrifying... It coursed through my veins and lit my heart with 220 volts of emotions..
When our eyes met, a dreamy smile lit your face,
and my eyes glazed over.
Since then, everytime our eyes met, 
there is just plain magic! 


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"It Rains When You Cry"

"I love to have tears, coz it somehow brings healing to my soul"


Tonight is a different night of all the nights..
The moon is so distant..
I feel him near, beside me, but seemed too far.

Sad tears clouded my eyes as I looked up and asked the moon why?
Something is wrong, everything seemed too lonely...
then by and by, his moonlight was out of sight..
tears were pouring  from that lonely sky!
and bathed my soul with  forlorn cries... 
it's raining now...



It's raining hard tonight! and you know what, these rains are my best friends. I used to go motorbiking with them..they know how I feel.

Tonight these rains are looking so sad and making me sad too. I'm asking why they're sad...
then, they are pouring their drops over me saying it's me, who's making them sad.. 

 "It rains when you cry".

I asked, "why it pours so hard"? the voice replied, the moon has spilled it out, for he has too much... he wants you to smile with the rain and stop crying because there's no one to wipe your tears away". 

I looked up the moon behind the clouds, with close smiling eyes, I let the rain wash away my tears!! 

"God.. he cares!".



"Anyone can make you smile or cry, but it takes someone special to put a smile on your face when you already have tears in your eyes".


~Anonymous.~
 

Monday, August 15, 2011

"Independence"

"Every time I heard the word independence, freedom is the first word that comes to mind"
     
      During my college days, one of my professor asked me what freedom is. I had a hard time figuring out what is it.  I heard a lot about freedom but knowing me, when I cannot explained the complete detail, I'd rather not answer. 

     I left the classroom with a foggy mind, thinking about that freedom. I know freedom is about being free, but on what? and on how? I was walking along the corridor when a naughty classmate obstructed my way and suddenly kissed me... omg! yuckky! lol... 
Reflex has prompted me to slap the person. He threw at me a questioning look .. then to my surprised I said to him, " your freedom has ended up at my lips ". ohh jeez how come I was able to utter those words.. 'himala'!!. From that instant, I realized what freedom is. ;)

     Freedom for me is to freely do what I ought to do. "ought" means "we have to", and it connotes responsibility and fact. It must be within the law. The freedom to do things within the law.  We  are free to describe that a triangle has 3 sides, but we are not free to say a triangle has 4  sides coz it contradicts the law of stating facts. 
     
     We have the right to exercise our own freedom for as long as it won't hit another's nose or another's lips. This is what I believe in and become my mantra. I have the freedom to describe that a square has 4 sides, oh yeah I can freely say that. If I used my freedom to insist that a square has 3 sides, then I am already abusing the freedom which I have in me.

    In love's journey, freedom can be applied in love expression. If we know our freedom, we also know our limitations in our relationships. We should only do the things that we "ought" to do and not just because of our desire to do it. The same with love of country. We do what we "ought" to do for our nation, we exercise the freedom of speech, freedom of expression and so other things that concerns freedom. However, we have to make it sure that the freedom we aspire for the nation to strive for independence must not end at the lips of other nation's freedom. 

     If only every relationship, either personal or nation, knows the certain limits of freedom and independence, then what a bright and peaceful world to be. When everyone knows its limitations and value, no one dares to hurt a nation and peace is at hand! 

"Every nation should go beyond mere lip service to diversity and tolerance, and put LOVE & PEACE into action. As a peacemaker promoting human dignity, regardless of race, culture, belief or religion, we have responsibility to work hand in hand for UNITY and DIVERSITY. We are all equal in the eyes of GOD. India is celebrating now its 65th year of Independence. May all the nations con celebrate with them. Our earnest prayers for the nation and its people. Peace and Love may reign regardless of mixture of culture! Viva India, Viva for Love and Peace ♥" ~Leony C.~ (Post at Love & Peace group created by Sachin Ghalot)

Saturday, August 6, 2011

FACEBOOK...An illusion?

What's the point of love when you're asleep, when you're at dreamland making up promises.. which ends up in one's eyes and a journey to some practical life and leaving behind all those sweet words? 


        Facebook        - is a site used for social networking. 
                                    - Fb friends can provide the same support as     
                                               those in real life. 
                            - it can help freelance writers find an                 
                                audience for their page...  
                           - it can satisfy each person when it comes  
                               to curiosity about to their opposite sex
                           - and a lot more reasons...


(Facebook intimate moment)
(A glimpse on my book "Love Moment on FB") -Leony C.

Girl : why do u always keep on following me? Are you   
                      stalking my status?
Boy : whoa me? Following you ? never!
Girl : uh\?!! Are you fooling me?
Boy : Me fooling you? Why should I?
Girl : (Irritated) Will you stop cloning my lines… grrrr
Boy : okay I will stop, in one condition.
Girl : then whaaaat???
Boy : Stop following me.. and give me PEACE..
Girl : HUH?@@!! Me following you? Are you out of your mind?
Boy : Yes, I am out of my mind because you keep on following me...
wherever I go, you're always there, In everythin I do I see you..not even a minute you leave., each day is a torture thinking of you. Your face is always following my mind.. every night and day, the thoughts of you always bothering me..,see, I can't even concentrate my lessons thinking of you.. your smile has tortured me.. so please, STOP FOLLOWING MY MIND AND GIVE ME PEACE.. will you??
Girl : (stunned)

       Millions and millions of people are addicted to facebook nowadays. I once was considered myself to be an fb addict lol... You guys might say I'm kidding, but nah I'm not! I have a secret to reveal *whispers* the higher percentage of facebookers stayed fb for fun and/or for pleasure, romance to be specific. 


        What is this romance thing? hmm, it is an emotional  or spiritual intimacy or attachment shared  by fb friends that results from meeting each others ideas, and relationship. Many individuals are attach to this. Some has find it interesting and others find it not. But still they take the pleasure of taking the risk. They have tasted the sweetness of it, they are dreaming and afraid to wake up.. They are fantasizing and convinced themselves that everything was true and right. 


        During my lonesome moment, I reflect myself about these things.
       
I remember one time when I was walking under the moonlight! I was looking at the moon and many questions were bugging at me. I tried as much as I could to differentiate love in illusion and  
in reality.  Realization hit me. It's very hard! It is hard to accept  the fact that everything was just an illusion, much more harder when you try to convince yourself when you already have a close  or fix mind about what you believe in. It's hard to wake up from dreamland!

    The world we experience and the life we live, are the reflections of our thoughts and feelings. The same thing with love. We feel so happy or sad or empty, depending on the mood we have during the day. During hard times, we always say "The heart knows all" when we do not know what we do. We are dreamin while saying this I guess, coz the mind creates a world of illusion. By changing our thoughts and feelings, we change the illusion and experience a different reality. We do not create a world,   a world of a perfect love, only an illusion that looks real at facebook. No unusual power is involved here. It's only the heart<3


        When we are able to still the mind and the senses, our consciousness seems to shift into a new dimension. Actually, it is there all the time, only that the mind makes us think otherwise. When there are no thoughts in the mind, the world we know and believe is real, loses its reality. We become conscious of the world beyond the mind and illusions.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Yesterday, I cried, Now I can smile :)

"We cannot protect ourselves from pain and we cannot expect to trust life not to deliver pain. We can only trust ourselves to survive it." 
~Ron Tochnell~ (member of Love and Peace on the Earth group.. page created by Sachin Ghalot) 


Defeat the pain and be happy!
      This statement of Ron Tochnell has struck me. 

      This past days have been difficult for me. It seemed like I was on a journey with nothing but heartaches. Many painful emotions have been brought across my path and wrenched through my heart. I wanted much to post everything here coz this is my outlet, but a voice inside me has overcome my thoughts. It says, "How can you share positive vibes  to people if you are too centered on your pain?" It was then the time that I made up my mind to stand up and deal the pain. This is where Ron Tochnell's statement came in. 

      In life, we have a lot of sufferings. In love's journey, my previous posts have been a witness of those pains and heartaches. Life can be full of pain and sorrow.  It is difficult to grasp when others are purposefully inflicting pain on us and are relentless in their pursuit. But hey, life is beautiful.   Do we have to cage ourselves from those pain? From those people who inflict the pain to make our life miserable? If we would, then we are really  making our life's journey more miserable.  Where is our wisdom then? where is our pride? Why can't we just take everything positively? After all,  everything has a reason. I remember this line from Sachin Ghalot of Love and Peace on the Earth, "Everything happens for a reason, we only need to know what that reason is." Yeah, quite right, knowing what the reason is will help us understand more about the pain. Understanding the pain will lead us to acceptance and acceptance will give us peace and that peace will give us happiness. A peaceful and happy heart will defeat that pain. 

        Pain is always there but it is just a dot compared to the happiness we have to experience. Yeah, pain is just a dot and why do we let it controls us? Yesterday I cried, but today I formed  a genuine smile, a smile that lightens up my  hurting heart. Believe me, the pain is hard to recognize now coz what is left is hope and a sweet feeling of victory. Victory that I have defeated the pain.

       Ron Tochnell is quite right. We cannot protect ourselves from pain. we cannot trust life not to deliver pain. We can only trust ourselves to deal with it and survive. How can we survive? According to Sachin Ghalot, know the reason, and understand that pain. By understanding it will lead us to acceptance.  

Written by: Leony Cabauatan- a.k.a. - Moonrose
          

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

How painful is the pain?

“You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.”

How painful is the pain? well for me, pain is too much when your whole being is too numb and you could no longer feel the hurt, you could no longer think and your entire being is so empty. Pain is too much when you want to cry but nothing will come out from your eyes...
Much painful when you want to shout to release that heavy feeling, but you cannot even shout.  Pain is too painful when you die yet you still live.


People say:
Love is like a bond. It makes you feel great when you have it... 
Love help you up when you are down... 
Just to push you back down again!
Others say love is a feeling two people share,
Some say love is a game..., 
But I say:
Love is pain that we have to embrace. There goes the saying "No pain, no gain" so without embracing it, we can't go on living, after all, we are born to love and to be loved. No matter how painful the pain is, we have to go on loving. Yeah, love teaches us pain, and once the feeling of love goes, we all try so hard to feel it again.. life is so ironic. (sighs)    


Everyday, along my journey, I am always yearning for that real love. I am too focused of my feelings without considering the feelings of that someone whom I claimed I have loved, to the extent that he might got  suffocate of my behavior. I am too centered on my beliefs and conclusions, all because of jealousy.
I asked myself several times of why I always get jealous. Maybe I have grounds or bases of that jealousy, but, it will not justify to tolerate myself from messing up.  Still the fact remains that too much of it will suffocate a person. Too much of it will draw a person away from you. I just discovered it today, and it isn't too late :) 

I am used to pain. I just wish that someday, along the way, I feel no pain.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

TRUST IN LOVE

“Where and when you least expect it, LOVE is there!”

       This quote has always been my inspiration for a long time now. I hardly forget the day when a stranger  came into my life and filled my heart with gladness.  I met this stranger while I was on my journey, searching for the real meaning of love and peace. That instant, I got struck by his simple gestures and desirable thoughts that has become the passageway towards the most important room of my heart. He has easily boarded in and in fact, until now, he is the sole occupant of that special room. This stranger has become a someone whom I turned to, whom I laughed with and shared with.. the someone who has unveiled my heart to see what love and peace is all about.

     Hours, days, and even months had passed, I keep on journeying with him. We’ve been trying to patch up every differences to save us both. I trusted him more than I ever trusted anybody. They said, the future is yet to come. Yeah.. it is uncertain. We have decided to keep on journeying with a happy heart no matter how uncertain the future is, and the secret ingredient is TRUST.

        In the absence of trust, things gonna be different then. Each of us needs to keep holding on the trust we have. If it is a risk to do so, then be it a risk, it is quite satisfying to take the risk rather than play safe and do nothing at all. TRUST IN LOVE. LOVE WITH TRUST. This two must always come together!. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

HOW IS IT TO LOVE?


  “I gave my all, my trust, my love and my heart.. but it wasn’t enough"

       When we are on a rocky situation, we often asked "why does Life so cruel? Is it really how life is? Why does happiness will only visit to us once and when it leaves, all the pains and hurts poured out upon us? Is journeying in love has to be like this?" 
Once In A Blue Moon
     I am not a dramatist nor an essayist but being in love's journey with all the happiness and pains,  I was taught to be one. Well, not as good as what you think,  and not as everyone does but I can be in my little own ways, in such a way  that I know purely, hoping that my pain would ease.  I only write my feelings once in a blue moon,  and today is one of the moment, the sad moment of my days. My heart is too heavy . I am hoping that through this piece, this pain in me will disappear like a wind blows at once, and this heart of mine will find real peace and love.  I'm sorry if I put mostly of  my sentiments here, but what can I do? this is my sanctuary, and this is how I feel now. I want to take a rest from this journey, but I don’t know how.. I want to cry out loud, scream as loud as  possible… and I want all the tears to come out, empty my eyes from every drop that tortures my agonizing heart. Hoping that after this, this pain would leave me and I can have peace. If I could beg this pain to go away, then I will beg for it to go.. just wish I would know how?

     I asked myself of what is wrong with me.  Why do I need to suffer? I can't blame no one for this pain.  Maybe the wrong is..I don't know how to love..  what a shame on me, I’ve been teaching what love is, I’ve been promoting love and peace, but deep within me, I feel empty. I am but a hollow being at this very moment. I am only good at showing my face to others, I am good in wearing a mask, a mask that I am okay, a mask portraying that everything is alright, a mask showing everyone that I am strong.. but deep within  me, is a battered soul.


     I can show the world my sweet smile, yeah.. and they said my smile brings wonder.. but where is that wonder? I may be smiling, but my heart is crying, If you see me smile often, that’s how often I have cried. 

     Perhaps, I don’t know how to love, and this is the reason why I am too demanding and jealous.  This isn't love, right? coz a love is not suppose to be jealous? but why am I feeling this way? Well, maybe I want the person whom I love to care for me the same way as I cared for him. Maybe it was wrong that I always waited for him to  tell me that he thinks  of me everyday, or maybe I always hungered of his sweet words, specially the magic word that makes up my day. I want him to show his feeling towards me everyday for security. I always ask and demand trust. 


I'm sorry for Loving You the way I know
     Do I sound insecure now? I hope not! (sighs). I only wanted that his attention is only for me which is all wrong because he has also his own life to live and own friends to be with. Then what would I want? Am I sick ? well, maybe yeah  I am sick.    I am so mad in this feeling called love. I am nothing  and no one but  a SELFISH. person. I don’t deserve this thing you call LOVE. I don't deserve to be loved coz everyone I loved  was hurt because of my  own way of loving.  My way of love hurts you and with this, my apology. Forgive me for loving you the way I know!


     I might be a sick individual, seeking for love and attention and when I have it,  I don't know how to get hold of it.  Please get away from me, don't ever come near me.  Don't be fooled by  my smile.  This smile could hurt you, the same as it hurt me. I am sick and I don’t know the cure. I am sick of this love and I am almost dying for this, incurable depression like a virus and I don’t want  you to get infected by me. I don't want you to die with me. I would rather die alone than to see you hurting, I don’t know if this is love, but this is how I am feeling. Before I depart from you, let me say, I AM SORRY for loving you this way :( 

Enclosure:
The above post "How is it to love" describes  the hard days I had as  I went along my journey in love. It shows how love can affect the emotion and the reasoning of the one suffering from it. It somehow reminds us that love's journey is rocky at times and what we need is to stay firm amidst all the storms we meet along the way!<3 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Letting go

"By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of love to come in for us"


How can I let go when my world is YOU
     Everybody have something to say about love. But only few knows how it is in a journey. Love has never been smooth sailing! As we keep on journeying, there are moments that we need to battle the hurts and pain.

      There come times along our journey of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. For some of us, we must let go of a past romantic relationship. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be. Perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal or spiritual growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong enough in letting go of something. We must be strong in letting go of the hurt and pain that is tormenting us. It is not easy. Not at all, especially when we know that our life revolves with the person whom we truly love. Letting go of that person, and letting go of the past we have shared, letting go of all the dreams we build up, and letting go on everything that reminds us of him/her is the hardest part. 

     Pain is always there, yeah, and sometimes that pain will generate anger. In this case, we need to let go of the anger. Holding on to anger does not save us - and it might even serve to create problems in our physical health or emotional well-being. In the realm of romantic relationships, some of us need to let go of unrealistic expectations. Whether we have idealized a past relationship or just read too many romance novels, or have seen romantic movies.. some of us need to let go of the myth of the perfect lover: the fantasy of a relationship that requires no work and just brings us "happily ever after." By letting go, I am not implying "to forget" or "to ignore." By all means, we should carry with us the happy memories and the lessons we have learned from our past relationships. 

     However, we need to let go in the sense of releasing emotional baggage we may be carrying around with us, so that we may be open to, and present for, a new relationship. Unless we cannot let go of the past, we remain unhappy and we cannot find peace within. We cannot open our heart for a new and real relationship to come in. Let go of the love fantasy and get real. Get focused on things that lighten up the emotional baggage. It is normal that in every journey, there are lots of baggages.. and by this, we need to unload the unimportant one in order for us to journey  with a light heart and mind. 

Good bye!
     Letting go is never easy. It doesn't mean giving up, but somewhat accepting that there are things that cannot be.  Let me quote Winfrey's quote "Breathe. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

Let go of the past and focus on the present! Treasure what you have now! Unless you won't let go of your past, you could never value the importance of the present! ~Leony~


Friday, February 4, 2011

Mending A Heart

"I have faked my greatest smile. Nobody will notice that it is just a lie. Everybody can see that I am happy, having no traces of pain.. I really want to cry and yet I still have to smile because everybody expect me to be alright"
A SMILE OF A BRUISED SOUL
Love's journey is said to be a balance of laughter and tear, happiness and sadness. But in life's journey, there are more sorrows than happiness. When we are happy, there are too many people that we can share our happiness with, but when we are sad, there are not many people willing to share our burdens. The irony of life, isn't it?
     I haven't felt like myself these past days. A friend of mine has invited me to have a stroll just to refresh the mind from past days work. There was really  no reason not to go but, I just didn't feel like it. So I spent most of the day at home, sitting and staring at my monitor but my mind was really blank. There was a feeling of self-pity, and I felt like crying. I don't really like the feeling, but I couldn't help it. I need to cry in order to remove that inner pain. I felt so numb and too weak. I was totally in a mess.
     I do believe that everyone has some ups and downs, and sadness is a natural emotion, but that time was totally different for me. It was until then I realized that I was beginning to fall into the so called "depression". I mistakenly believe that depression is only an attitude or a mood that I can shake off, but oh God, it was not that easy!
     One night, when the pain was so fresh, I asked myself of whom  I want to share my burden with. I have heard over the years this quote "Time heals all wounds", but do I really have to wait for the time to heal this wounded heart? I  must do something. I was sitting again staring at my monitor at that moment, refreshing his  previous messages. I stared at it while my mind tells me to have more respect for myself. I  logically understand that sending a message to him is not going to make the situation any better, but then, my bruised heart enters the scene and subdued my mine. It says "Go ahead, come online, and  you will feel better... temporarily at least." I simply followed my heart and the moment I opened it up, he was already there, waiting for me too and  was about to do the same.!! 
Jeeez!! the amount of tears I shed when he was out was the same amount of  tears I shed when I let him in again. I thank God for He did not allow me to prolong the pain, I thank myself for allowing my  wounded heart to overpower my mind. Now,  my smile is no longer a lie. :)

JOURNEYING WITH YOU

My heart tells me there's something wrong. It seems you're going through a journey with nothing but heartaches beside you. You don't have to say or utter anything for me to know and realize the anguish. I care too much not to notice...

Over the years, I have discovered that Love's journey is not easy. At first It gives us hope. It gives us a feeling of the so called "heaven". We feel that butterflies are flying inside our stomach. Maybe sounds funny and corny, but we don't mind all those corny things they said. What matters to us is the sweet feelings of being in love. We are in a high spirit of Love. But, have we forgot that we are on a journey? Each of us from time to time experiences crises from different life changing events and transitions, all unpredictable moments arriving and intruding into our well groomed relationship, we didn't ask for this interference and we wonder why it has arrived bringing with it havoc and confusion.

Love's journey is not easy, in fact, it often is hard. No matter what the source, each pain has a common bond, a threshold, a holy summons inviting us to cross a threshold involving both a leaving behind and a stepping forward.

Struggling day to day with the pain is an agonizing task. Don't be too hard on yourself. I am near if you need a lift of heart, a guiding hand, and someone who will be there with you to welcome the light of a new day. Just go on with your journey, because you are not alone. If the pain is too much for you, then.... GIVE ME YOUR WOUNDED HEART.