Friday, February 4, 2011

Mending A Heart

"I have faked my greatest smile. Nobody will notice that it is just a lie. Everybody can see that I am happy, having no traces of pain.. I really want to cry and yet I still have to smile because everybody expect me to be alright"
Love's journey is said to be a balance of laughter and tear, happiness and sadness. But in life's journey, there are more sorrows than happiness. When we are happy, there are too many people that we can share our happiness with, but when we are sad, there are not many people willing to share our burdens. The irony of life, isn't it?
     I haven't felt like myself these past days. A friend of mine has invited me to have a stroll just to refresh the mind from past days work. There was really  no reason not to go but, I just didn't feel like it. So I spent most of the day at home, sitting and staring at my monitor but my mind was really blank. There was a feeling of self-pity, and I felt like crying. I don't really like the feeling, but I couldn't help it. I need to cry in order to remove that inner pain. I felt so numb and too weak. I was totally in a mess.
     I do believe that everyone has some ups and downs, and sadness is a natural emotion, but that time was totally different for me. It was until then I realized that I was beginning to fall into the so called "depression". I mistakenly believe that depression is only an attitude or a mood that I can shake off, but oh God, it was not that easy!
     One night, when the pain was so fresh, I asked myself of whom  I want to share my burden with. I have heard over the years this quote "Time heals all wounds", but do I really have to wait for the time to heal this wounded heart? I  must do something. I was sitting again staring at my monitor at that moment, refreshing his  previous messages. I stared at it while my mind tells me to have more respect for myself. I  logically understand that sending a message to him is not going to make the situation any better, but then, my bruised heart enters the scene and subdued my mine. It says "Go ahead, come online, and  you will feel better... temporarily at least." I simply followed my heart and the moment I opened it up, he was already there, waiting for me too and  was about to do the same.!! 
Jeeez!! the amount of tears I shed when he was out was the same amount of  tears I shed when I let him in again. I thank God for He did not allow me to prolong the pain, I thank myself for allowing my  wounded heart to overpower my mind. Now,  my smile is no longer a lie. :)

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