LOVE CONFESSION: TOO CLOSE BUT STILL TOO FAR

by: Lavi Singh

Possible and impossible

Two contrasting words... both are valuable
                      

Most often, we primarily think the impossibilities of a situation before we recognize its possibilities. This is quite common in life, in love in particular. We think that a certain situation is quite impossible but we could make things possible, for we believe that love works in mysterious ways and love is able to make impossible things ... possible.

I may not be a writer who could easily express my thoughts into words…

but I have a heart that feels, listens and speaks with another heart (hoping your heart would listen).

                        

We have a much valuable person in front of our eyes but we keep on searching for others. Why am I telling this? Simply because at this point in time, I know someone who has just touched my life with a smile - a kind of smile that is so captivating, pure and electrifying, and with a positive attitude that transcends all the negatives. 

This someone has taken my mind. The more I think about her, the more I feel like crazy and my brain doesn’t step up. I simply can't ignore her presence in my entire being as if I am held captive by her simplicity and charm.

She knows she’s in love with me, yet I try to keep adding one step backward to distance myself away from her so I couldn’t hurt her. She is too cute and sweet, and I hate holding back my feelings but I’m afraid because I don’t want ever she get hurt or my bad luck would bring sadness to her face. I love her so much but there are things I couldn’t change. I don’t know what to do. It’s like I am giving a clear plain paper and a pencil to a baby. Now it’s just a matter of time and wait of what she gonna draw on that paper, so she could have an ample time thinking of what kind of person I am.

I didn’t sleep tonight. Every time I close my eyes, I've seen her face and heard her voice. I don’t know what’s happening to me, (don’t I really know? or I just hide?). I hate to admit, I’m in love with her. It’s very possible to love her but I make it impossible because me and her couldn’t be together plus the fact that she's from hundred miles away. I know she’s sad thinking that I might not love her. Oh God I can't stand to see her sad, it pains me inside..if she only knows how I am dying to be with her. It's like a torture… Sometimes, I am in the verge of giving in, telling her how much I love her, get closer to her just to see her smile again and take pride for I am the reason of that smile… but I stopped myself because it’s the only reason I know not to hurt her.

What shall I do?

Shall I tell her about my feelings?

Or shall I wear a mask and pretend I don’t love her?

My life is so busy but still I waited for her like a kid. Her simple “hi” is like a river that quenched my thirst. It’s like I don’t feel hungry once I receive her text. Whenever I get sad or mad, her simple message works like a hug. I don’t know who she really is but she has this power of love that touches every single veins of my precious heart, and keep me thinking about her naughty, sweet, pure and happy nature. If I have to choose my last wish I would choose to watch her from a distance when she laugh because her smile is the only thing which makes me stop on her door steps.

I waited fair enough. Now I need to stop worrying about what would happen in the future. We can’t change the past and the future is yet to come. All I have to do is live the present, try to make a difference and don't mind others. 

Is it about time to tell her how much I love her?
Do I need to go close and hold her, hug her tightly , and tell her...
“Please don’t say anything today, just feel me and my breath, it speaks all about my feelings and my wishes ”.

Today, I decided to stop holding back. She may be far from me but she is so close in my heart. She has that special room inside me. Who knows what would happen next. I laid down my cards. I must admit that I love her. I don’t like to see any impossibilities now. Everything is possible. Things may not happen today, but someday, somewhere, somehow we would meet and magic happen. Love never comes with warranty for anything but all hold on hope. Now my hope is telling me to tell her how much I love her. Moon and earth never meet each other but when the moon is full grown, it makes the earth more beautiful. Even if he gets that light from someone else, still people don't care because all they see is the bright light which comes from the moon. 

I don't care what people say now. I care only of what my heart is telling me.

Please listen...

"no matter how far is the distance 

between you and me,

 I love you. 

I love you so much straight from the heart".

SKY (see the reflection of dreams)

by: Lavi Singh

One sky.                  

One world.

It takes all kinds of people to make a world

Easy or difficult people dealing with heaven or hell day by day…

under one roof, the sky.

When we were young, we were taught like, “If you do good such as being nice to your fellow kids and being respectful to parents and adults, God and angels in heaven will reward you, but if you bully kids around and disrespect elders, you’ll be thrown out to the fire of hell”.

In our young and innocent minds, we start to develop the fear of hell (not knowing that we will be experiencing it as we age). Getting scared on the idea of being thrown to the blazing fire, once we disobey the elders, we try to behave, believing that angels would be pleased in heaven.

One kid asked, “where is heaven?”

Another kid points a finger upward, “heaven is up there, the SKY”

Then another one asked, “where is hell?”

Few kids made a chorus saying “It’s down there” (below the ground)

One smart kid uttered, “ We’re standing on hell”.

Too young to understand about hell and heaven, our innocent mind adopt the notion of benevolence. We act according to what we believe is right and just, based on what others told us.

As grown ups...

                 

We believe in heaven and hell, though technically, no one has ever seen it yet. No one could prove if it does really exist, or if it’s just a story being pass- through from generation to generation.

Many explanations came out, biblical, philosophical, theoretical, etc..

But my understanding about heaven and hell is based upon my own story.

At some point in life, we’re going to be hit hard. We all do. Pain is unavoidable. If we stay long in pain our life is somewhat in hell, because we are suffering. It’s like we are in a blazing fire of grief, discomfort and agony.

Once we’re going through hell, we stop walking. We’ll get stuck. Every time we bump into some hard times, we stop walking and drowned ourselves to loneliness, close all doors of opportunities, lock ourselves in a room with nothing but darkness inside. In that state, we are definitely in hell.

Every person - regardless of age, color and religion - got the same heart or emotion. It means to say that they too get hurt and experience pain.  It is up to the person on how to deal with his feelings. Many hide it, just don’t even tell about it because they think that no one here would like to listen to them.

Since we are living in a time when material possession has become a kind of god to people, we are prone to distractions. Our relationships are affected – family, work, business, friends-

Now I wonder, what state are we in? 
Is there really such a place like heaven or hell?
or is it just a reflection?

Going back when we were young, we get scared of hell. What can we do now when the situation we’re in is “hell” itself?

It’s like we are living in a spoiled generation where honesty, loyalty and compassion may seem, do not exist. Everything has become instant like in relationship and in friendship. It's like everyone is chasing something, run for money instead of dignity.  Most people these days only make friends for benefit. No benefit, no place for friendship. Money speaks. It has become powerful than faith. It replaces everything, even love and peace.

Before, we always hear this line: “Work hard and you’ll succeed”. Is it still applicable now? I doubt. Because nowadays, the more you corrupt, the more you succeed. No value for love, no value for respect. Again, only money speaks.

Some people born for rules and others just die to follow those rules. why can’t all be equal? Why can’t we treat fairly? 
Here’s another thing, If one person did one little mistake, people always remember that mistake rather than remembering the good ones that person made. Then there goes the judgmental crowd who parade themselves in the facade of hypocrisy. They may seem nice creature, giving you smiles but their pretentious look reflects in their eyes.

We usually judge people by their color and action. Sometimes we do something which looks bad to others, though we don’t have any personal reason or bad intention of doing so, that could hurt someone, yet it just happen, which we can say accident but our modern generation always think different.  If someone talk too sweet, people think he/she need something from us, if someone doesn’t talk much then they think that person is kind of rude or just act special.

This modern world suffocates us. Where to breathe? How to breathe? There’s no choice. Is there any way to get out from this hell? Is there someone out there whom we could share our happiness, sadness and even our flaws? Is there someone out there who won’t judge us, rather understands us and consider us special despite of our imperfections?

I’ve seen no one at the moment, except the sky each time I look up to hold back my tears..
and the earth whose always beside me in my lonesome moment. They are my friends so far whom I know would never leave me in good and in bad times. 
People always make promises… they say “I’ll always be with you like a shadow. Just call me and I’ll be there”, and yet they left. They didn’t realize that when dark comes, shadow disappears and get succumb in darkness. The sky never leaves, always above us forever and beyond.

Poor situation we got. We have no one but we still run every single second like a robot. 
Why we run like that and what we run for? 
If we say we do this for our family, then where is our family? 
If we say we do all the hard work for our better future, then where is the future? When do we have that bright future?

We would never find out unless we try to see the reflection of how the sky touch our passion.

We should stop running because life is more like raindrop bubbles which we don’t know how long will stay, we should live life like today is the last day, without worries and sadness.

When I feel sad or lonely I sit under the comfort of my friend's love ...sky.

NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE THE VALUE OF YOUR PRESENCE

"I was  torn between two feelings-- sadness and happiness. Sadness because we have to depart the old year that leaves us unforgettable memories; happiness because all those memories radiate hope for the new year" 

Setting aside sadness,  join me in embracing a brand new start by  saying...

I always welcome the new year with positive disposition. Before year ends, I do some specific activities or practices such as cleaning my room, disposing much trash and clutter I have accumulated through the years. I believe that clutters attract negative energy, thus I should arrange things and put them in its right place to welcome positive vibes. 

Similar to this,  we also need to organize our aspects in life  -- mental, physical, emotional, social and spiritual. We need to organize our thoughts, need to sort out our emotions, fix some problems, clear minor debts or settle accounts, mend broken relationships and the like, and welcome an amazing  year enthusiastically.

However, there are times that no matter how hard we try to organize things, our plans will not turn out fine (the way we expect it to be). We try to give our best, exert all our efforts in making people around us feel alright. We sometimes pretend that all is well, but deep within, we are suffering from some sort of pain. We commit ourselves in performing all tasks which have been entrusted to us just to prove our worth, until we burned ourselves out... 
...and then we give up? 

"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak".
This is true about being human. Our mind is too eager to say we can, but our body cannot.

I remember Lavi Singh (Ricky)'s words:

"Even big or strong things  sometimes touch the ground and give up.. then who am I not to, when I'm just mere human?"

Days before new year, I had an incredible pain (in connection with the accident). It made me feel half-paralyzed because I couldn't move my left shoulder and arms. It wasn't easy to be in a situation wherein I couldn't do all the things I used to do. It was like a flashback of the discomfort I had two(2) months ago. I was in the verge of giving up knowing I'm just mere human...

 until someone has helped me reduce the uneasiness I had,

Someone whose simple and natural medical advice has brought a great impact on my part. 

It is not easy to be treated like patient. 
Who wants to lie down in bed all the time or sit on the couch doing nothing? 
Who else want to feel useless?

During the media noche celebration, while everyone is happy sharing gifts and laughter, I feel like I was so isolated. My excitement of the occasion was converted into hostility due to my condition. I feel like I'm of no use at all as if my presence is nothing but a burden.

Fine morning of January 1st (new year), trying to look good despite of my shoulder pain, I strove hard to get up from bed (without the aid of family members), pretending that everything is alright. After chanting a short prayer, I stood up in front of a familiar woman, greeted her blankly saying: "Happy New Year!"

To my surprise, the woman returned a smile as she uttered similar words, "Happy New Year".

Oh darn that contagious smile! A smile which tells a thousand stories reflected from her stealthy eyes, saying "Every morning brings new hope".

How did she do that? How did she manage to smile despite of those sadness hidden from the corner of her eyes? 

It's the first morning of the year and this woman's smile brings hope for the day. She was able to remove the thick cloud of loneliness I had as she tried to stretch out her painful, yet welcoming arms, encouraging me to do the same.. 

oh wait.. she too, had shoulder pain?

Her sweet gesture is quite a relief to my discomfort and I'm sure she had that same relief too, although we have different story behind that shoulder pain.

Well, every person has a story to tell, and only God knows the life, the heart, the loves, the trials, the hopes, the wishes and dreams of everyone.

People have misery and pain greater than mine, yet they still look good. If they were able to make it, then why can't I?

As I looked back at the woman's face, I've seen  some traces of discomfort, but instead of grief or misery reflecting her eyes, I can see her calmness, her peaceful character that brightens up my day.

She has this kind of magic, this healing power that heal wounds, ease whatever pain inside and out...

She has this power in every smile.

A confident peaceful smile that overcomes self pity.

My shoulder pain isn't fully recovered yet, but it's nothing compare to the good things that is bound to happen this year. 

"Her calmness has made me see things on the positive side"

I wanna give thanks to this woman.

     I wanna feel her always close to me.

        I wanna see her smile as often as I can.

           I wanna talk to her anything under the sun.

              I wanna be like her in every way.

Each time I look at her, there is that strong force that pulls me towards her
I wonder why...

Then an inner voice said:

Do not under estimate the value of your presence..

It's not you who need her but SHE NEEDED YOU.
Everything you see in her is "YOU"

...because the one you're talking to is the WOMAN IN THE MIRROR.

"She is the reflection of everything you are, yet you didn't see it because your heart is full of self pity to your condition and your eyes are clouded with tears of inhibitions".

Set the woman free. 

Set yourself free.